That's My Life
by Empathist
Summary: An occasional spinoff from After Today, written from Ste's point of view not Brendan's. Each chapter runs parallel to part of After Today rather than forming a continuous story of their own, and won't make much sense without that context. Chapter 1 fits into After Today as 'Chapter 39a', Chapter 2 would be 'Chapter 44a', Chapter 3 would be 'Chapter 59a'.
1. Chapter 1

**Note In the context of After Today, this chapter would be 'Chapter 39a'**

* * *

I get the kids out of the car and then I go round to the back to fetch their things out of the boot.

Amy must've been looking out for us – I'd let Leah phone her when we were nearly here – because she's at the door already and when Leah and Lucas see her they go running up to her for a Mummy-hug.

"Hiya," I say when I've brought the bags.

She smiles and gives me a hug too.

"You coming in?"

"Only for a minute. I can't stop long cos I've got me shift, in't I."

Her Simon is out round his mum's putting her some shelves up, Amy says. It's quite nice having her to myself, like, just her and the kids. And the kids are good actually. They're tired enough that they're nice and quiet but not so tired that they're getting mardy.

"Have you had a nice weekend?" Amy asks them when we're sat down with a cuppa. They both say yes, and they tell her about going to the park and feeding the ducks, and Lucas tells her about how we all watched Harry Potter. When they tell her which Harry Potter one it was, Amy's surprised. "That's the one you don't like," she says to Lucas, "Isn't it? It's the one we always turn off before the scary part."

"It _is_ scary," says Lucas, "But Brendan was there so I didn't mind."

I feel like jumping up when he says that, and doing a dance or something. Because she knows Lucas means it, Amy does – she must do, she must know there's no way I could've told him to say it – and it's like, another thing for her to know about what Brendan's like. Another thing that's ordinary and good.

It's important.

Lucas doesn't say anything about getting shouted at, I'm glad to say. Hopefully he's too embarrassed about being naughty and getting himself told off, and he knows he deserved it so he won't want his mum knowing and giving him a telling off of her own. I'm a bit worried it's going to slip out though, or Leah might talk about it, and in the car on the way here I nearly said something to them. Something like, your mum doesn't need to know about Lucas being silly and Brendan telling him off. But I didn't. I don't want a bollocking from Brendan, do I, if he found out I'd told Leah and Lucas to keep a secret from their mum. He won't have that. So I'll just be keeping my fingers crossed that it's blown over.

At least I know they won't tell Amy they had all them sweets before me and Brendan were even out of bed this morning. They wouldn't chance grassing on us in case we gave them a sweets ban. They're not daft.

They go off for a minute and when they've gone I say to Amy, "It's nice that you and Brendan are getting on a bit better nowadays."

"Are we?"

"You know you are. Not ripping chunks out of each other, are you."

"I suppose."

"Leah and Lucas love him."

"I can see that."

"I love him."

"Alright, Steven. Fine. I'm getting on a bit better with him."

"Good."

"It's just..."

"Oh, here we go."

"He's so... _big_." She sees my face and smacks me on the knee. "I don't mean _that_. And I don't mean..." So then she does a sort of muscle-man-shoulders action. "I mean, when he's around he... takes up so much _room_."

"He was only sat on the sofa, Ames."

"I can't explain. It's a... an _aura_ , only auras are meant to be light, aren't they? Oh I don't know, I don't know about auras, but anyway, his isn't light, it's more like this _weight_ comes into the room with him. All the things he's done. It's oppressive, that's the word."

"All the things that's been done to him, you mean."

"Alright. That as well, maybe. Which is not his fault, obviously. But it's all just _there_ , and I don't know how you can stand it all the time."

"It's not like that though. Not for our Leah and Lucas and not for me neither. You saw him yesterday. Was he being off... opp..."

"Oppressive."

"Oppressive. When we was mucking about, having a laugh? No. Admit it, Amy, go on."

"He wasn't _being_ it. He just _brings_ it, it clings to him, even if he's 'mucking about'. It wasn't just things they'd read in the papers that stirred everyone up at school, it was seeing him in the flesh. Both of you together like..."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Like... Androcles and the lion. Oh I don't know, Ste. Can we talk about something else?"

"I don't even know what you're on about. Who's _Androcles_?"

"Ask _him_. He'll know."

I really don't know what she's on about.

"You can't say he ain't changed," I say. "You do know he has, Amy, cos I know you, don't I, and I know for a fact you wouldn't be okay with the kids being with us if you didn't know that Brendan's different now."

She sighs. It's about the millionth time we've had this same conversation since Brendan came home, and maybe she's as sick and tired of it as I am, because then she says, "I do know they're safe with him." And before she has a chance to say _But_ , I grab her and give her a big kiss. She rolls her eyes but she sort of smiles, and then she tells me to get off to work in case I get in trouble for being late. She doesn't say it like she actually thinks I'll be in trouble. She's just joking.

I think she's starting to get it now. Us. I mean, obviously she'll never understand what we've got, me and Brendan, but then how can she? How can anyone?

:::::::

I've gone straight to the kitchen when I've got to work as I am a bit late – just parked the car at home and legged it – but I send a quick text, _I'm here xx_ , just so he knows.

 _Good lad._

It's stupid, but it makes my tummy go funny when I read that. I wonder if it still will when I'm, like, fifty and he's sixty.

:::::::

There's usually a last rush of orders, so before that happens I make up a plate for Brendan. Just titbits from the menu, but lots of them because he'll be hungry by now. I text him to say it's ready, and he's here in one minute flat.

"You're quick off the mark. You been waiting for me to feed you?" I say to him. "I would'a done you something earlier if you'd asked."

"No, just good timing. First chance I've had to get away."

"Busy night? That's what Alicia said an' all, when she was in here for her break."

"Yep. We're a man down as well, which doesn't help."

"Yeah, Alicia said."

"Okay."

"It's in the oven keeping warm." I get it out and put it on the side for him. "Mind, the plate's hot."

"You gonna join me?"

"Might nick some of yours."

"Be my guest."

I cut some bread, and I put some olive oil and balsamic in a little bowl for dipping and take it over to Brendan, and we stand side by side at the worktop and have our snack.

"Greedy guts," I say, because he's shovelling it down. I like watching him eat though, specially when it's something I've made him.

Kwame comes in – the security bloke – with this little jar in his hand. He puts it down at the other end of the counter from us, like he thinks he's interrupting.

"My mum's spice I told you about," he says.

"Thank you. I didn't know if you would remember." I go and pick it up and unscrew the lid for a sniff. "Smells amazing. Tell her I said thanks, yeah, and I'll try it out in some recipes as soon as I can."

"No problem."

"Cheers, mate." Then when he's gone I say to Brendan, "We was talking about his mum and that. In the week. About his mum's cooking. He said she makes up this spice mix that _her_ mum got from _her_ mum, and I said that sounds interesting cos it's different spices from what I'm used to, like, Indian ones or whatever. Cos she comes from Ghana, his mum does. So it's African spices. So he said he'd bring me some in, and he did... Am I being boring talking about cooking? You're looking at me funny."

"This ain't my bored face. This is my impressed face."

"Oh, right." I feel like I'm blushing a bit, but it's hot in the kitchen so hopefully he'll think it's that.

He looks round at the door, then he turns back to me and gives me a kiss.

:::::::

I'm finished in the kitchen, all cleaned up, and I've changed out of my work trousers back into my jeans. There's no point going home on my own because he'll be finished too in about an hour as it's a Sunday, so I may as well wait to go home together.

I go out from the kitchen to behind the bar, and there's literally loads of punters wanting serving, so I offer to help out and the girls say yes, so then there's three of us and it makes it easier, plus the time goes faster. I give Brendan a smile when I see him notice what I'm doing, and he winks at me.

He's got my favourite suit on, the really dark grey one. He got it in a shop but they altered it for him, so it looks like it was made for him. Like, when he does the button up of the jacket it's all fitted nicely, so you can see how massive his shoulders are.

:::::::

They have this thing at the club when it closes of a night, where everyone takes it in turns to pick some music to play while they're doing the clearing up. I've only been here for this bit a few times, but it's always different. It's nice. I don't know who started it but it was what they did before Brendan took over, and he's let it carry on. The only rule is that whoever's turn it is, no one can tell them to change what they've chose. Even if it's opera, or Johnny Cash.

Soph's brought in a bit of Bruno Mars. Bit cheesy, but it's alright.

There's a few of us so it doesn't take long, not even the money because Brendan and Maria do that every hour so there's not all that much counting left for them to do at the end of the night. Plus most people pay by card nowadays, not like it was in Chez Chez. He used to like people paying in cash, Brendan did.

He comes over when he's locked up the office.

"Makes a change," he says, "You doing your fair share of the clear-up instead of skiving off."

"Oi, d'you mind? I clean the whole kitchen on me own every night."

He shrugs, like, _So?_ but he's only winding me up. If we were on our own I'd tell him to shut up, or I'd say, Don't you like me waiting for you in bed when you get home, then? But work is different. I wouldn't take the piss or say anything that's private, in case anyone else starts thinking they can do it too, because they can't. He's the boss, right, and he's got his image.

Anyway we're finished now and he's sent everyone off and it's just us left and Harry, and Alicia because Harry's giving her a lift. Me and Alicia start dancing, just having a laugh, and I'm thinking Brendan will switch the music off any second. _Oh you know, you know I'd never ask you to change. If perfect's what you're searching for, then just stay the same_. I lift Alicia's hand up in the air and she does a twirl under our arms and I look over at Brendan. He's stood there with his arms folded, watching.

Alicia dances herself off to see if Harry wants a go. I stay where I am; no point trying it with Brendan.

He shakes his head at me, _What are you like?_ kind of thing. I just smile. Then the music goes, _And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while_... And it makes me laugh.

"Okay, lady and gents," Brendan says. "We've all got homes to go to."

:::::::

It's nice and cool walking home, after the hot day and the hot kitchen and the hot nightclub.

We're nearly home. It's coming up to one o'clock in the morning, which means it's a new week because it's Monday now, and I ask Brendan if he knows what that means. He doesn't, apart from it's our day off, so I tell him.

"It means the holiday is next week." I look at him, and then I look up at the sky over the roofs behind him because the moon is really bright, and then I look at him again. "Is it a full moon? It looks really big."

"Beautiful," he says. He doesn't turn round to look at it though.

:::::::

His hand is on my back going up the stairs, then on my bum.

He goes to the bathroom first. When I hear him in the shower I go in and brush my teeth, and then I take my toothbrush head off and put his on for him, and then he's out of the shower and wrapping a towel round his waist.

"I've done your toothbrush," I say.

He thanks me and comes over to the sink.

I get on the loo, and he says, "Jesus, Steven, can you not take a dump while I'm cleaning my teeth?"

"Shut up, I'm saving time."

"Honeymoon's fucking over, that's for sure." He's got toothpaste foam on his beard.

"You wouldn't be complaining if I was having a wee, would you, you'd be looking at me willy."

"I'm going. I'll see you in bed." He takes off his towel and chucks it at me, and he stands there just long enough to let me see that Big Bren's getting up.

I dive in the shower just quickly. Dry myself with Brendan's towel and leave it there.

He's in bed with his bedside light on reading his poems book, but he puts it down when I come in and he gets out of bed. He strokes his hands down both my arms and when he gets to my wrists he holds them – quite tight – and he kisses me.

"Amy said you're big."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah. Not that."

"You sure?"

I kiss him.

"Not _just_ that. She said you take up a lot of room, like, an aura. Something like that."

"Drinks during the day, does she, when we've got the kids?"

"Oh, who's Andocles? She said you'd know."

"Who? Androcles?"

"That's it, yeah. Androcles and a lion. She said that's us."

"Okay."

He puts his arms round me still holding my wrists so my hands are crossed behind my back. I'm pressed up against him. I can feel the hairs on his chest and his pubes, and his thing is getting harder. So is mine. And his breathing is noisy, like growling or something, like an animal, and I can feel it on my neck, and his tongue and his teeth like he's tasting me.

He turns me round so I'm facing the bed. He's behind me and he kisses my neck where it tickles. It makes me laugh and cringe, so he takes my mind off it by reaching round and playing with me. I stop laughing and start saying things. I don't know what. Maybe it's just noises.

"Kneel on the bed," he says.

I kneel on the bed.

He holds my hip and puts his other hand between my shoulders and pushes me forward so I'm on all fours. He's still behind me. He's stroking my bum and the back of my leg, and I know what's coming from the way he's stroking, like he's feeling for the bit where there's the most flesh because that'll be his target. I've tensed up – I can't help it – so then he's rubbing and squeezing like a massage to make the muscles relax, because when he slaps it he likes it soft not tense. Then he does it. It stings. I say _Ow_. Then he touches my bum cheek again, like, checking if it's relaxed – and it is now, because I'm good at this, me – and he slaps it again twice more. Then he rubs it then he kisses it.

"Am I gonna fuck you?" he says, and I nod my head, and he says, "I want you. See?"

I look round. His dick is standing up. I can see the veins on the underneath, and the end of it is shiny from the precum that's come out of it. I can imagine it inside me just from looking at it.

I say to him, "You gonna get on with it or what?"

He laughs, then he gets the lube. It's cold but he warms it up, stood there behind me, spreading it with his fingers. Then he's straight in, and it's like, we _fit_. He knows, and I know. There's that burn when he stretches me and then I push back and he pushes forwards and I wait for that feeling, like my insides are changing for him, fitting around him. He fills me up. It feels like he's the opposite of me but the same as me.

He's holding both my hips now, and he sort of lifts them as he's thrusting. His thing is rubbing the place in my bum that kills me, and I'm saying things, _Bren, Bren, fuck_ , and my arms give out and I fall forward but he's still got me by the hips so he's still in there. I want to kiss him. I look round, and he knows what I want. He gets out of me and I turn over, and he pulls me up by my hands. I've got jelly legs but it's okay because he hugs his arms round me so I'm not going to fall back down, and we kiss. We kiss loads. He's squeezing me. His fingers are digging in, like, in between my ribs.

"You're all bones," he says. "Jesus."

"I can't help it."

He kisses me again. My face will be sore in the morning but that's okay.

"You don't need to help it. You're fucking..." He steps beck from me and looks down my body. I feel naked. I mean, I am naked, obviously, but the way he's looking at me I feel X-rayed more like.

"I better finish you off," I say. "Go on, lie down."

He lies on his back and I kneel over him, and sit on his dick. I'm still open, to be honest, so it's easy. It still makes my breathing go in, like, gulps.

"Sit still," he says, "Yeah?" and he wanks me off, and I come all over his chest, and it makes me laugh. Then I start riding him properly. I've still got jelly legs so I put my hands on his chest for strength – it's wet and sticky – and it's good because I can feel his heart going crazy and I can feel his voice vibrating which is even better than just hearing it. It's like a roar when I jerk my hips a last few times and make him come.

I squeeze tight while I'm lifting myself off him. I like how it feels. I like the noise it makes when it falls out and slaps down on his belly.

We don't bother cleaning up because the sheets are due changing tomorrow anyway. We just cuddle up. I think I drop off before he does because the last thing I remember is a kiss on my forehead, and his fingers and thumb just stroking – so light I can hardly feel it – my cheek, my backbone, my ribs.

:::::::

 _When I see your face  
There's not a thing that I would change  
Cos you're amazing  
Just the way you are_


	2. Chapter 2

**Note In the context of After Today, this chapter would be 'Chapter 44a'**

* * *

It's funny being out for a drink with someone that's not Brendan. It's nice though, because it's Declan I'm with.

We're in this pub and it's busy – it's a Friday night plus it's Brighton which seems like it's busy all the time – but we've got a seat and a couple of lagers, and it's just nice and relaxing after we've spent all day with the kids at the pier and the beach.

"Leah and Lucas getting on your nerves yet?" I say to him when we've been chatting for a bit.

He smiles. "No. They're alright, aren't they. I mean, they're not brats or anything."

"Ta." I have a drink of my drink. "What about Paddy? Must be weird for him cos he's never even seen them till yesterday and now he's on holiday with them."

"He knows about them, though, doesn't he. He's seen pictures, and he's talked to them on the phone before. Only, like, 'hello' or whatever, but it's not like they're just some random kids he's got stuck with."

"As long as he's not feeling like he's on the outside. Cos he's not."

"Mum said she'll phone us over the weekend, so he'll like that anyways." Then he starts fiddling with his drink, like, picking at the label on the bottle with his thumbnail. "He's still, y'know, getting his head around everything. Everything that he found out on that news site."

"Yeah, well, they had to say sorry about that cos half of it weren't true anyway."

"Yeah but Pad doesn't know what's true and what's not, does he. I mean I don't either, but he's just a kid so it's harder for him."

I think Declan's trying to find out things – fishing, like Brendan said – but there's nothing I can tell him that's not going to make him ask more questions.

"All Paddy needs to know is that his dad's doing his best, right? Cos he is, Declan. He's really trying."

"I know."

"Here, Paddy's lucky he's got you, and your dad is an' all cos you've... sort'a forgiven him, or at least... So then Paddy can see that it's okay. That _he's_ okay, your dad is."

"They got one thing in common anyways. Dad messed up Paddy's childhood, didn't he, same as my Granddad messed up Dad's."

"Not the same, no, believe me."

We both get on with our drinks and he doesn't say anything but I can feel him looking at me.

"My dad went apeshit when I said he was like my granddad, d'you remember?" he says after a bit. "It's like there's a big secret or something."

"Look, did your dad ever hit you? You or Paddy?"

"No. I never said he did."

"Yeah, so he might'a been a rubbish dad for you, okay, but he weren't the same as _his_ dad. Can we not go over this all again?"

"Sorry."

I feel guilty now for talking to him like that. He looks like a kid that's been told off.

"You got nothing to be sorry for, Declan, alright? It's just, I've had years of listening to people tell me how bad Brendan is, so I'm just..."

"I get it. So there's no big secret."

"No. Here, you ready for another one? I am. Same again?"

"Cheers."

I get up and go off over to the bar. It's a bit of a wait but then there's a gap where some bloke is getting out the way when he's got his pint, and I think I'll nip in there before someone else does. Only I don't know what happens but I get it wrong. I walk bang into him. And the next thing I know is I'm stood there looking at him, and he's got half his pint left and the rest of it's all over his hand and on the floor.

"I'm sorry mate," I say. "Here, get yourself another one."

"Fucking idiot."

"Eh? What did you call me?"

"Deaf as well, is he?"

I want to smack him one but I've got our Declan with me and I can't get into trouble.

"Look, right, it was an accident." I try and give him a fiver but he won't take it. "Alright, I'll get it, then. Another pint of what that was," I say to the barmaid.

"What about my shirt?" says the bloke. "Never mind my pint, you gonna pay to get this cleaned are you?"

"It's not even wet."

So then we're in this big argument, and the barmaid's telling us to take it outside before we're both barred, and then I see Declan because he's got up and come over, and I just shove the fiver at the bloke in the end. It's a bit funny because it sits there on top of his beer belly and a couple of people laugh before he grabs it and pockets it, and I tell Declan to come on and we get out of there.

So we're down the road – I don't know where we're going, just away from there – and then we hear him behind us. I think he's drunk because he's shouting all kinds and it's not even about his drink any more, he's just having a go. Well, I say he's drunk but he can't be _that_ drunk, because we're walking fast and he's keeping up with us, no problem.

"Where we heading?" says Declan. I think he's a bit freaked out.

I stop and turn around to the bloke.

"Alright mate, I've said sorry. Why don't you go back, eh?"

He ignores me, so me and Declan start walking again and as soon as we start, the bloke starts yelling at us again. But then someone shouts out from over the road, "Who do you think you are?" and I look and it's these drag queens, all dressed up, and they're crossing the road over to us – their high heels are louder than the fat bloke's shouting – and two of them start telling him what's what, about what would his mother think if she could see him now and what sort of bloke follows two young lads in the street? He starts arguing back but then the other two go marching over and he shuts up then, because they're not having it, and off he goes back the way he came. I reckon they've had a few vodkas, these drag queens.

And then we're walking along with them. Declan thinks it's dead funny. They want to know if we'll be okay now, like, if we know where we're going, and we say we'll just wander about until we find somewhere, and they say we're best off going where they're going, Kemptown where there's more gay places and you won't get dickheads like that one thinking he can talk to us like that.

"Is that okay with you?" I ask Declan.

"Yeah, no worries."

"He's not gay, see," I say to the drag queens.

"Don't worry, doll. Nobody's perfect."

:::::::

They've shown us where there's a club that's not as camp as where they're going, they say, although one of them says Declan might like the drag scene because he must be used to men in frocks, because by this time they've found out he's Irish and brought up a Catholic.

So we go off where they've told us, down this road where there's quite a few people outside a doorway waiting to get inside. There's a bouncer there and he's mostly just letting people through, but then we see him stop a couple of young lads and ID them.

"Must be an over-twenty-ones place," I say to Declan. "That's why he's checking them two, cos they look borderline. We'll find somewhere else, yeah? A pub or something, come on."

"You got your ID with you, Ste?"

"I've got me driving licence, yeah, least I think I have. But I'm not gonna go in without you, am I."

"Give it to me then. I'll use it. He's not gonna ID you, is he, if he's only checking borderline people."

"You saying I look old?"

He laughs. "You look more than twenty-one, that's all I'm saying. So come on, Ste, it's worth a try, yeah?"

"You're a right crafty one, you are."

"Like you didn't do anything like that when you were in college."

"I weren't in college, was I." I get my wallet thing out of my back pocket, that's got my bank card in it and my licence. I don't look anything like Declan in the photo, but it's really small so he might get away with it. "Here y'are then. You'll have to say you've changed your hair if he says it dun't look like you."

"What's your date of birth?" Then he reads if off the licence. "Ninth of January 1990." He repeats it to himself a couple of times so he'll hopefully remember it if the bouncer tries to catch him out.

"Right," I say, "I'll go in first and I'll see you inside if you get in, and if you don't, I'll come out again and we'll forget it, yeah? You better give it a few minutes once I'm in, so I'm not still stood in front of him while you're pretending to be me."

"See you have done this before."

It works anyway. I go in, no problem, then I hang around watching the door – some bloke tries talking to me but I tell him no, I'm waiting for someone – and it seems like ages but then Declan comes in, and he laughs when he sees me and he does one of them handshakes that's half-and-half a high five. Well, we both do it, obviously.

"Did he stop you?" I say.

"Yeah, I had to show it to him. Don't think he looked at it properly, thank god."

"Yeah, well, we better get lost before he changes his mind."

We go downstairs to the basement where the club is.

It's not exactly run down but it's not one of them shiny places. It reminds me of our old place in a way. Chez Chez. You know, in need of a lick of paint and like, you don't have to look like someone out of Geordie Shore to be in there. Cos there's places I've been where you feel like everyone's giving you marks out of ten from the minute you walk in, not just for if you're fit but how much money you look like you've got, so even if you're worth a shag you're not worth nothing else. This place is alright though. There's all sorts here.

I tell Declan to stay put while I go and get us a drink, because when I look at him in here he looks dead young, and I think if he was stood with me at the bar the barman would ask questions and we'd end up getting thrown out. I do feel a bit bad for bringing him here, and I want to say to him, look, don't tell your dad we've come here. Only I don't because Brendan would probably be angrier with me for telling Dec to keep secrets than about me bringing him to a gay nightclub in the first place.

I wonder how he's getting on back at the flat with our Paddy.

So I get the drinks in and when I go back to Declan there's this lad talking to him, and I say, "Alright?" and I give him his drink and the lad gives up.

"So he was chatting me up," says Declan.

"D'you wanna go somewhere else instead?"

"It's okay. Least we're not getting hassle from some angry weirdo here."

"True," I say, and then this tune comes on that I've heard coming through the walls in the kitchen at work. "I like this one."

Declan nods and he starts sort of dancing, and we both get into the crowd on the dance floor. I like a dance.

:::::::

I've gone to get another drink and there's two barmen on, and they're a couple I reckon cos they're arguing. It's like they're doing it to make the punters laugh though, and it seems like most of the punters are regulars cos they know their names, so it's good for business by the look of it. Anyway one of them says he'll buy me a drink if I like, cos I suppose it seems like I'm on my own, and I tell him I'm with someone, and so then he does this thing with his hands, makes a heart sign and then makes it broken. He's older than Brendan – older than my dad, come to that – but he's nice and I tell him sorry. Then the other one says, "He'll get over it. Go on, love, give it to him on the house. Compensation for having you undressing him with your eyes."

So I tell him what drinks I want, and I try it on, don't I, I pick the bottles up and turn around to go but he says not so fast. I can have mine on the house but he's not buying a beer for the man that's stole me away from him, and I laugh and I say, "Had to give it a go though, didn't I." He says I'm cheeky, and he makes me pay just for one of the beers. So it's still a result.

This time when I go back to Declan there's another bloke talking to him, and Declan says to him, "This is him," and the bloke goes off.

"You got another fan?" I say.

"Yeah. I just told him you're my _partner_." He laughs when he says it.

"Why'd you say that?"

"Easier than explaining how come you're my stepdad."

"Yeah, well, we'll make this the last one, eh? Then I won't have to leave you stood on your own no more, so you won't have to explain anything to anyone."

:::::::

We've had more than we probably should've had, and we're later than I said we'd be, but the quieter we try to be coming up the stairs and into the flat, the funnier it is, and then when Brendan appears and he's in a mood, that's it, we just laugh. It's really bad.

He says, "Get to bed," and I'm half way up the stairs before I realise he was telling Declan not me, but I keep going anyway.

Brendan comes into the bedroom and he puts a bottle of water down on the bedside table on my side of the bed, so even if he's pissed off with me – which he is even though he says he's not – at least he's not thinking, fuck him, he can get his own drink or go thirsty. So it's not that bad. So I go over to him and lean on him, and he smells nice, all clean, and I really want him but I know he'll say no, and he does. He says it's because I'm too drunk but it's not, it's just because he won't. So I go and have a shower, and I wank myself off when I'm in there, only it's not much of a wank because I'm too tired and too drunk and it's second best anyway when it's his hands I want on me. It's third best. It's a hundredth best.

He's in bed when I come out. I put on some boxers and I get in and cuddle up to his back, and we talk for a bit. His voice is quiet but I can feel it in his body, all low and nice.

The bed is dead uncomfortable in the middle where I'm lying. I'm going to have to move, but I wait until he's asleep first and then I shuffle over a bit, but he wakes up and he thinks I've got the hump with him for being moody before, so I tell him it's only because there's a lump all down the middle of the bed that's digging in me. And he says it's where they've joined two single beds together to make a double, which I didn't know, and the lads' beds downstairs must be the same, you can make them a double if you want. I hope I'll remember that in the morning.

Anyway we lie there, him on his side of the bed and me on mine, trying to get to sleep. He touches my hand under the cover after a bit, but we're still not dropping off so in the end he sighs and he comes across, and he does the big spoon. It's too hot really, plus he must be on the join of the beds now, but he hugs his arm round the front of me and I hold his hand against my chest like normal, and I fall asleep straight away then because you can sleep when you feel all safe, can't you. When you know someone's got you, it's easy.

:::::::

I wake up early because I'm thirsty, and I lie there for a minute thinking what I'm going to do about this headache I've got. I wonder if I can sneak out and go to the shop without him knowing and get some paracetamol, but either he'd catch me getting dressed or he'd hear the flat door, so that's out. Then I remember I've brought the kids' Calpol with us just in case, and so I slide out of bed and go to the wardrobe where the holdall is, and I find the bottle and take a swig of it.

Brendan's doing that deep breathing that's almost snoring. His hair is all scruffy from the pillow, and I can see the white hairs in his beard. I pull the cover up so it's over him more.

He'll want a coffee when he wakes up, so I put my pyjama bottoms on over my boxers and go downstairs and make us one. He wakes up when I go back up with it, when the bed squeaks when I get back in.

I tell him I'm fine, not hung over or anything, but I can tell he knows that that's not exactly true.

He doesn't actually gloat too much though. We drink our coffee and we have a chat, and he says I look well, which is Irish for I look good.

:::::::

Brendan and Leah have gone to the station to meet Mitzeee and Seth and little Nicky off the train. I've said to Brendan before he went, I'll sort out where everyone's going to sleep while he's out, and once he's gone I don't even have to think about it because I've already worked it all out in my head.

"Right," I say to Declan and Paddy, "How do you lads feel about swapping rooms with me and your dad?"

"What for?" says Paddy.

"Well, there's a spare bed upstairs in our Leah and Lucas's room which someone's got to sleep on or there won't be enough beds for everyone, yeah, and little Nicky is too little to sleep in there cos he'll want to be with his mum, won't he. So what I thought was, we'll shift that spare bed along to the big bedroom, and you two and Seth can sleep in there. Cos the double bed comes apart so you'll have a bed each. Okay?"

"Say that again, only slowly," says Declan. He's like his dad, taking the piss like that.

"You heard."

Paddy says, "So me and Dec and Seth, we're gonna be upstairs now?"

"Yeah. It'll be, like, a lads' pad."

"Pad's pad," says Declan, and Paddy laughs.

"And then Mitzeee and Nicky can sleep down here in your room, and me and your dad'll have the sofa bed tonight, and then when Mitzeee goes home we'll just move into hers, save you moving downstairs again."

"Where am I going to sleep?" says Lucas.

"You're alright, you and Leah can stay in your room." I kneel down and give him a cuddle. "I know it sounds complicated, dun'it, all the arranging, but you'll like having little Nicky around for a coupl'a days, won't you, eh? We're gonna go on the bus to a different seaside today, all nine of us. Does that sound alright?"

He nods and he says, "It's cool." He sounds Irish when he says it, I'm not even joking.

:::::::

I nag the lads to get a wiggle on packing their things up to move upstairs, and I crack on with packing my and Brendan's stuff back into our bags to carry downstairs. I make sure I don't leave anything behind, like, in the en suite or in the bedside cabinets. Anything _embarrassing_ I mean. I mean, I've not even unpacked my squirty thing, but the lube and the wet wipes are in the drawer by the bed – not that I needed to unpack them either, the way he's being – so I grab them out and stick them in the case.

By the time Brendan gets back from fetching them three from the station I've taken our bags down to the lounge and I'm just coming down the stairs again with our bed covers and pillows. I explain it all over again, all the arrangements, and when I tell Brendan we're sleeping in the lounge tonight he reckons we'll be on a sofa each but I put him straight. The sofa _bed_ , we'll be on, both of us.

:::::::

We've got everyone ready. It's not taken all that long, to be fair, because everyone wants to get out of the house and off to the beach.

"So the bus stop is like, two minutes from here, yeah?" says Declan. He's looking at his phone.

"Once we get this lot down the stairs, yeah," says Brendan.

"Okay, so there's a bus in six minutes."

"You got an app?" I say to him. "You sure it works for buses in England, or are we gonna end up in Dublin?"

I look at Brendan when I say it, and he does that smile that probably nobody else would even know that he's smiling, but I do. Then we all get the beach bags and the kids together, and we go.

:::::::

"Hanging off her every word, those two," Brendan says to me when we're at the bus stop, and he nods over to where Mitzeee is stood chatting with Declan and Paddy.

"I know, yeah. I would'a been the same when I was their age, mind."

"I'm sure you would, Steven."

"I'm only saying. You know I liked girls before, so don't go all..."

"Ain't going all anything."

I knock his arm with my elbow and he looks at me, and I say, " _Good_ ," and he sort of rolls his eyes like he knows he's being an idiot. And then the bus comes just like Declan's app said it would, only I don't think Brendan believed it until he read the timetable on the bus shelter and it said the same thing as the internet said.

I'm sat next to the window with the sun coming in, all warm, and Brendan's the other side of me and he's just as warm, and just from where I'm touching him – with my knee and the side of my arm – it makes me imagine how heavy he is. I don't just mean in _that_ way. I mean, he's _here_.

I'm glad I've got my sunglasses on because I can feel tears in my eyes. All that time I missed him, and now he's here.

:::::::

It's a different sort of beach, this one that Brendan's found for us. It's a bit pebbly up the top but mostly it's sandy, so it's not like the one in Brighton, plus it's not so crowded even though it's a lot smaller.

"It's lovely and quiet," Mitzeee says. "Well, it was before us nine invaded anyway."

"Lowered the tone, have we?" says Brendan.

"Speak for yourself," says Mitzeee.

We walk along until we find a good place to sit, and then we spread out some towels and dump our bags down. The kids are itching to play in the sea, specially little Nicky, and the three lads – our two and Seth – don't hang about, they're off swimming before we've even finished putting sun block on the kids.

"We'll have to take turns staying here to mind the bags," I say.

"Yous two go with the kids," says Brendan. "I'll stay here."

"Are you sure?" says Mitzeee.

"I ain't one for _frolicking_ , Anne."

"I'll stay too actually," I say. "Keep you company."

"You gotta look after the kids in the water, Steven. Go on."

"I don't want to go in the sea yet," says Leah. "I'm going to stay with Brendan."

She sits down next to him.

I smile at both of them. "Alright then. See you in a bit."

Lucas has run off anyway so I leg it after him and we go for a paddle and a splash around with Mitzeee and Nicky. The lads are further out but when they see us they come up.

"My dad not coming in?" Declan says.

"He's minding the stuff for now."

I look round, back up the beach where Brendan's sat with Leah. They look like they're talking, and the way they are together, anyone that saw them would think she was his daughter and they'd be right because she is now, just as much as she's mine.

Someone splashes me from behind. When I look to see who it was, Paddy's grinning and Lucas starts laughing.

"Wasn't me," says Lucas, and I chase him and grab him. He's slippery so he gets away and goes running through the water and hides behind Paddy, and I pretend I can't see him, and the lads play along too. Then little Nicky wants a go, and Lucas is all, "Hide behind me!"

Mitzeee's got the skirt bit of her sarong lifted up in her hand in case she's got to run in deeper than her ankles, but we're okay just watching actually, because the lads aren't letting Lucas or Nicky get out of reach. Seth's used to it, I suppose, from being with Nicky; and Declan and Paddy are picking it up from him.

Nicky gets tired after a bit – well he would do, with his little legs – so his mum takes him back up the beach, and whenever I look over, he's playing in the sand with Leah, and Mitzeee's sat with Brendan. I think Brendan might come for a swim now that Mitzeee's there, but he doesn't.

:::::::

Lucas is standing at the edge of the water, just where the waves come in over his feet and out again. I go and stand next to him.

"You had enough for now, mate?" I say.

"Yeah," he says.

"What d'you wanna do? Go and play with Leah? Or have a rest?"

"Where's the rock pool?"

"Is that what Brendan got you that net and bucket for?"

"Yep."

"Right, well, I think the rock pools must be over there cos that's where the rocks are. We'll go and fetch your net then, eh?"

"Then Brendan can show me."

"Charming," I say to him, acting like I'm all offended. "How d'you know I'm not better than him fishing in rock pools?"

Lucas laughs, and I shout to the lads that we're going back to the others, and me and Lucas walk up the beach.

"Lucas wants Daddy Brendan to go and look in the rock pools with him," I say when we get back.

"That so?" says Brendan.

I put Lucas's T-shirt back on him and some more sunblock. Then I stand and watch them go off. The rocks must be slippery because Lucas grabs hold of Brendan's hand when they're walking over them.

"Could you possibly look any soppier?" Anne says to me.

"Shut up," I say, and I sit down with her. "Did you wanna go for a swim now, Mitz? I'll mind these two if you want."

"No, I'm fine. I will in a bit but it's nice just sitting here."

"I suppose you miss it, do you, being by the sea all the time?"

"Less than I thought I would. I mean, it's lovely having the Pacific on your doorstep, but..."

"Oh yeah, all that sunshine must get really boring. You do remember what rain's like, do you?"

"Yes, thank you. Do I need to remind you I lived in the north of England for the first twenty years of my life?"

"More than twenty, Mitz."

She smacks me on the arm.

"But _seriously_ ," she says. "Where you want to be doesn't depend on the weather, does it."

"I know. It's who you're with, innit."

"Exactly."

We both smile.

"It is nice to have this nice weather though to be fair," I say.

"But you appreciate it more when you've lived through endless buckets of rain."

"Is that a _metaphor_?" I say, and Mitzeee looks gobsmacked.

"You know what a metaphor is?"

"It's when you wanna say something, but instead of just saying it like a normal person, you say it like you're talking about something completely different so that no one hardly knows what you're going on about. Something like that anyway."

She laughs. "How did you know that though?"

"What, with me being so thick, you mean?"

"No, Ste, that's not what I mean, because you're not. God, I'd never even heard of a metaphor, never mind know what it means, until I'd written the first draft of my novel and my editor was telling me how I could make it better. She had to explain all the stuff I might've known if I hadn't spent my school days trying so hard to get a GCSE in boys."

"Brendan told me once, that's all. He was going on about something and I didn't have a clue what he was on about, and I said that to him, I said that's nothing to do with anything. And he said it's a metaphor. I tried looking it up but I didn't know how you spell it, so I just had to work out what it means from what he said. Am I right then or..?"

"It's... Well, yes, I suppose, yeah." Then she touches my wrist. "Look at those two."

We look at Leah and Nicky, over there making their sandcastle. They're giving it a moat now.

"They're having a lovely time," I say.

"They've got everything they want, haven't they. And so have you by the look of you."

"Mm?"

"You know. Sun, sea, sand and sex..."

"Well, sun, sea and sand."

"What?" Mitzeee says, loud enough that Leah and Nicky stop what they're doing and look at us. She waits until they're busy again than she says – more quiet – "I thought you two were at it all the time? Don't tell me my whole life's been a lie. Well, not my life, _your_ life. In my head. Oh, you know what I mean."

"Er, no I don't."

"Yes you do. Are you not, _you know_..?"

"Not since the lads came to stay with us, no." I look at her, and she doesn't say anything but she's lifted her sunnies up to get a good look at me and I feel like she's going to keep staring until I explain. "It's not me, it's him. Brendan. He won't, see. It just weirds him out, y'know, doing it when the lads are in the same flat."

"Why though?"

"He thinks they'll hear us."

She doesn't say anything, and I'm starting to think she's decided it's too much information, but she must be just having a bit of a think because then she says, "Declan came over and stayed with you before, didn't he? Was it the same then?"

I nod. "We done it once when he was over, but that was only when he took the kids out for a hot chocolate." That makes Mitzeee laugh, and I can't help laughing too even though I'm dead embarrassed. "Paddy stayed the night once an' all, and we did it when he was on the sofa but..."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Ste, you can't stop there. But what?"

"But we kept it quiet, that's all." I don't tell her how Brendan kept me quiet by putting his hand over my mouth cos she might think it's a bit dodgy. I was alright with it though. I wouldn't mind if he did it again.

"So why can't you just keep quiet again?"

"I would. I'd try anyway. He's not having it though."

"So to speak," she says, and I hide my face. Then she has another think, and she says, "What about the weekends when you've got Leah and Lucas staying with you, Ste? Do the same rules apply?"

"It's only Saturday nights they sleep over usually, and that's Brendan's really late night at work so I sometimes don't even wake up when he gets in, plus he's knackered by then. And if we do do it we're not, y'know..."

"Not swinging from the chandeliers."

I make a face at her. Then I get up and go over to Leah and little Nicky and their sandcastle.

"How are you getting on then, eh?"

"We've nearly finished building the castle," Leah says, "And next we're gonna decorate it."

"What, with shells and that?"

"Shells and pebbles. Will you take a picture when it's ready?"

"Course I will."

I go and sit back down with Mitzeee.

"So you're a noisy one, are you?" she says.

"Shut up. It's not just me anyway, as it goes."

"Oh. My. God. Brendan's a screamer..?"

"More of a _grunter_ ," I say, and I look at her and we both burst out laughing. "He never used to be so much but he is nowadays. Listen, Mitzeee, right, you better not tell him I've told you all this or he'll kill me. I mean it, you better not."

"My lips are sealed. Unlike yours and Brendan's, apparently..."

"No, shush." We both sit and watch the kids playing for a minute, and then I say to her, "It is nice to talk to someone about him though. Someone that, y'know, loves him. I mean, it's not like I can talk to Amy about this sort'a thing cos she's..."

"She probably fancies him, does Amy Barnes."

I laugh. "Brendan's said that before."

"A thin line between love and hate, and all that."

"I wouldn't say it to her, mind."

"Very wise."

"To be fair she's better about him nowadays, obviously, or we wouldn't have the kids with us now, would we. But anything I say about him, she'll still turn it against him if she can, so..."

"What about those long lost sisters of yours?"

"It's none of their business, is it. They'd like it if I was with, like, a nice lad I could bring round and they could hit the shops with. But I'm not, am I, so..."

"And Cheryl? D'you talk to her?"

"I _chat_ to her. I love her to bits, Mitz, right, but I'm not... we're not close like we were before she... Anyway that would be well weird, wouldn't it, talking to her about her big brother's love life."

"Ew yeah, I suppose it would. So you're stuck with me then."

"You'll have to do, I suppose," I say, and I smile at her.

"So how long has it been, then? When did the boys come over to stay at yours and put the kibosh on your fun?"

"Tuesday."

"And when do they go back to Ireland?"

"Thursday."

"Ste. That's _nine days_ , assuming you last did the deed on the Monday before. Most people don't even – "

"Yeah, well, we're not most people." I hug my arms round my knees. "Oh god, I sound really bad, don't I. D'you know what it is though? I think I want it more because I can't have it. And what's really stupid is, I know Brendan wants it too, yeah, cos I know how he looks at me. I'm _making_ him want me, right, but he won't do anything."

"Making him? Ooh, do tell."

"Nothing. Just, like, getting changed in front of him, and wearing..."

"Wearing..?"

"Nice underwear and that. Things he'll like."

"Ooh, like what?"

"I wish I'd never said nothing now."

"I'm sorry. I'm interested, that's all. Go on, what are you going to do to get your way?"

"Well, I've moved us downstairs so we'll be sleeping in your room after tonight cos I think it's got to be better. Cos the one upstairs, the bed squeaks and the floorboards creak, so that's made him paranoid an' all. I don't even know if it's gonna help though, because..."

"I'm agog. Carry on."

I do, I carry on after a bit because it's true about how it's nice to talk about him. It's making things clearer in my head.

"Cos I don't think it's just the noise. Cos remember when we got together years ago, when Leah and Lucas were living with us before Amy took them away? Well he was alright doing it there in my flat, and them walls were like paper. And like, at home where we live now the neighbours must hear us all the time, but Brendan doesn't give a whatsit about them. No, I think it's because it's Declan and Paddy, me. Cos Leah and Lucas have always, like, accepted him. They know he went to prison but they knew him by then, so they knew who he was, just a dad that looks after us, and they just..."

"They trust their instincts at that age, don't they."

"Yeah, that's what I mean. So he can just be himself with them. But with the lads it's like, he's still got this thing in his head that he's meant to be straight."

"Bit late for that."

"I know. But that's why they were even born, wasn't it, to prove how straight he was."

"Ooh. That's... quite a big thing then. But they're okay with the gay thing, aren't they? They seem to be."

"Pretty much, yeah."

"And in any case if that's what it's about in Brendan's Brendany brain, how come you _did it_ when you had Paddy round before?"

"I've thought about that. See, what I think is, he thought Paddy staying the night was a one-off. It wasn't official, sort'a thing, cos he just turned up. I reckon Brendan thought it would go back to normal and we wouldn't see him again, so it didn't matter what Paddy thought of us because he'd be gone again anyway."

"Brendan's not said anything about all this, presumably?"

I shake my head. "I don't even know if he realises why he's being like he is. I think he genuinely does think it's just the noise that's worrying him, like any parents would worry about. See, he's come such a long way, Mitz. He says he loves me in front of them, and he's given me a kiss on the cheek before, and it makes me so, so proud of him. And I know he's never gonna be all Gay Pride, and that's fine, neither am I. But this is our holiday. Ours, not just the kids'. And I just wish he could, like, _love_ me, without backing off cos he's imagining what the lads would think."

"Plus, you're desperate for a shag."

"Mitzeee! But yeah, I am as it goes." Then I see Brendan and Lucas in the distance walking towards us from where they'd gone to the rock pools. "They're coming back, look."

"What you need is a night out, Ste, just the two of you. Quality time. You might at least get a nice snog up an alleyway then to keep you going."

"We've got the kids to look after though."

"Anyway, if it's any consolation, your Brendan couldn't be more in love with you if he tried."

"Why? Has he said something?"

"Your head'll be the size of that beach ball if I tell you. Suffice to say, I've made a mental note of it for if I ever write an epic romantic novel."

:::::::

The lads and Seth have gone to get some fish and chips (or sausage and chips in my case, and I'll see if Brendan likes the look of mine.) Lucas has joined in with his sister and little Nicky with making that sandcastle. Mitzeee's gone for a swim on her own.

Brendan comes and sits down next to me. He touches my arm so I look at him, and then he kisses me, as soft as anything.

:::::::

I'm in the sea with Declan, Paddy and Seth, just messing around having a laugh, the four of us, and when I look back at the beach I see Brendan. He's left Mitzeee looking after the kids, and he's coming for a swim. I go and meet him where he's wading in.

He looks amazing. I watch him when he's having a race with Dec and Seth, and he's faster than them. It's his arms, isn't it, and his shoulders, all them muscles. That's what swimmers need, and that's what he's got.

:::::::

When we're back from spending all day at the beach, and I'm making us a salad to make up for all the chips and ice creams we've had, Mitzeee says she'll stay in tonight so that me and Brendan can go out. Seth and Declan are already planning on going to the pub, and the kids will be in bed soon so it'll mostly just be her and Paddy. She says it's to say thanks to us for inviting her for the weekend, but I know she's really doing it for me.

I start thinking it's not going to happen though, because Declan opens his mouth and ends up telling his dad all about last night – how he used my ID, how it was a gay club, about the drag queens. About the bloke whose drink I spilled. About how we both got chatted up. So yeah, Brendan's not happy, but all that sunshine must've gone to his head because he gets over it enough that we're still going out.

The lads go out before us, and Paddy's downstairs, so me and Brendan are going to get changed in their room. I take my clothes up while he's in the shower, and I lay them on one of the beds. I lay my good jeans there, and my new T-shirt, and a pair of pants that he bought me, so I know he likes them. Briefs, they are, white ones. I lay them on top of my jeans so he'll see them when he comes out of the en suite, so he'll know I'll be wearing them. Then I go off to the other bathroom and have a bath.

When I've finished and I'm going into the bedroom again in my towel, he's coming out dressed in a good shirt with the cuffs turned back half way up to his elbows. He looks well sexy.

He's still got a nark on from before though, so all he says is see you downstairs. He annoys me sometimes.

I wish I'd been quicker in the bath so he would've still been in here when I'm doing my body lotion, but I wasn't and he's not so I've missed that chance.

I get dressed. This T-shirt's a tight one. I don't usually wear ones like this. I turn sideways and look in the long mirror, and I look dead skinny, and I hope he'll like it. The way things are going though he'll most likely reckon I look too gay, but I won't know what he thinks until I see how he looks at me, and then I'll know.

And when I go downstairs, I do know. He looks up and down me, and he's still looking at me when he says to Mitzeee, "Don't wait up."

"Thanks for this, Mitz, yeah?" I say when we're leaving. "Night then."

She gives me a wink.

:::::::

When we're on the stairs going down from the flat I tell Brendan not to be in a mood, and he says, "Alright then," and he shoves me against the wall and kisses me so hard it knocks the breath out of me. I kiss him back, and I ride his knee when he pushes it in between my legs.

:::::::

We've not made a plan so we just go in the nearest pub to start off with. It's nice just talking about this and that, like normal.

Course it can't last, can it. We get on to the subject of last night again, and he's asking all about what happened at that club with the blokes that tried chatting me up, and as soon as I tell him I got a free drink off this barman he decides he wants to go there and see for himself. I try and stop him. I even tell him I can't remember where it is, but he knows I'm lying, so we end up there. Me and Brendan Brady, in a gay nightclub in Brighton.

The barman remembers me. Brendan actually cheers up after that though, because he can see that he wasn't the sort of bloke I'd ever go for.

Brendan won't dance with me, obviously. So I have a dance on my own, right in front of him where we're stood having our drink, cos the music's great and I'm a bit drunk anyway. I can feel him watching me even though I've shut my eyes, and when I open them I'm right, he's smiling, and he shakes his head like he thinks I'm daft, but not in a bad way.

We sit down after that, have another drink or two and have a chat as much as we can do with the music going on, only we end up arguing again for like the tenth time about my night out with Declan. This time it's because I just mention that we had a dance, both of us, even though I explain that it was just a laugh, nothing like all the blokes that are dancing _together_.

"Better not be," he says, so I tell him to sort his head out. And then I leave him sat there and I go off to the toilets.

There's people at all the urinals so I go into a cubicle and sit myself down, and I get my phone out. There's a couple of messages. One's from Mitzeee saying, _Good luck with your mission xox_. And there's one from Amy. She says, _Hope you're all having fun. Maybe speak to L/L tomorrow? Love from us both xx_. I don't answer because it's late now.

I go out and head for the bar to get us another drink in. Some guy stops me before I get there though.

"Hi," he says, "Haven't seen you here before."

"You wouldn'a done unless you was here last night. I'm just getting a drink, so..." And I start to move, even though he's really good looking. Dark hair, he's got, and blue eyes but not as blue as Brendan's.

"I'll get it for you if you like?" he says.

"You're alright. I'm with someone."

"Just my luck. How about a dance instead?" He smiles. He's a bit older than me, and I'd say he's nearly as tall as Brendan.

"I better not. Ta though, mate."

"Just till your fella comes looking?"

"He'll be looking already," I tell him. I'm trying to do him a favour but he's still in my way, so I say, "You'll know him if you see him, believe me. He's Irish, he's six-foot-one, and he doesn't like sharing."

And then I hear Brendan's voice behind me. "He's with me," he says.

"Okay," the bloke says to him, then he says to me, "I see what you mean."

"You still here?" Brendan says.

"Leave it, Brendan. Let's get a drink, eh?"

"Alright," this bloke says, "I've got the message."

"Run along then."

The bloke laughs at him, and I'm thinking this is going to get really bad. And then he says to Brendan, "My advice? Put a ring on it. Saves misunderstandings."

Brendan says, "I already did," and he gets hold of my wrist and holds it up to show the bloke my silver cuff.

I pull my arm away so he has to let go. It's not me he's angry at, it's this other bloke and it's probably himself as well, but it's my wrist he's hurting from grabbing it so hard, and it pisses me off.

"At least _he_ wanted to dance with me," I say, up in Brendan's face.

Then he grabs my wrist again and we're looking at each other. That bloke is nowhere. Everyone is nowhere. It feels like anything could happen, and I feel _powerful_. And then he pulls me by the arm so I'm right up against him in the crowd of people, and we're _dancing_.

I've seen him dance in a gay club once, years ago, and it wasn't like this. This is us, and his hands are on my bum, and there's hardly any room because it's that crowded but we don't need room because we're stuck together, and his heart's going faster than the music – I can feel it, unless it's mine I can feel – and I kiss him and he bites my lip, and I close my eyes and hold on round his neck.

We just laugh when the song finishes, and we go to the bar and order some beers, and while we stood there he's got his arm round my back and I'm up against his side, and it feels like there's a fire inside him.

At the end of the bar just near me there's one of them safe sex promo things where you can pick up free condoms, and I'm half looking at it just while the barman's opening our bottles, and then I notice it's not just condoms, it's little sachets of lube too. I pick one up and show it to Brendan and I think he thinks it's a condom I'm showing him at first, but then he realises.

So I pay for the drinks because it's my round, but then I ask the barman if he can keep them for us, and he says yes. And then I pull Brendan's shirt sleeve, and he gets what I mean and we go off to the toilets.

We go inside a cubicle. He bolts the door and as soon as he turns around I kiss him up against it. It's like I've took him by surprise (I don't know how he can be surprised, but still) and he just stands there for a minute while I kiss him and kiss him, just with his hands on my waist not even tight. Next thing, it's me that's surprised. He pushes me backwards and sideways so my back's against the wall, and I feel him undoing the zip of my jeans. He's kissing my neck where my adam's apple is, and his beard round his mouth feels wet where I've been kissing him. I remember to breathe.

My jeans fall down, and Brendan looks down at my pants. He smiles. He looks like an animal when he smiles like that, like an animal with white teeth that eats meat.

I have to crouch down to get the lube because it's in my jeans pocket, and as I stand up again my head brushes against his crotch, cos it's cramped in here.

I hold the thing of lube in my mouth so I've got my hands free. I undo his shirt, and I touch his chest, just rest my hands flat on it for a second where the hairs are all stuck down with sweat. Then I get his belt undone and his trousers, and my breathing is making a hissing noise because I'm still holding this sachet with my teeth, and I get hold of his thing and get it out of his boxers. It feels thick and hot. Everything's hot. I look down at it. The end is wet.

He takes the lube and tears the corner off. It drips onto his fingers because it's more runny than our one but it'll do, won't it, and I stop even thinking about it because he's pushing my pants down and he's got one hand round behind me, stroking downwards and spreading my bum cheeks apart, and he gets his other hand underneath me from the front, and he puts his finger in and I go, "Oh," because it feels like it's been for ever, and I rub his thing for him, and then he does another finger and I'm just, "Oh, oh, oh," and it doesn't matter cos the music's so loud anyway.

Then he lets go, the bastard, and like, stands back to have a bit of a look. So I let go of his thing, and it stays up. Like, right up, like, touching his belly. And before I knew him I didn't even know they could go that high up. Erections, like. Cos I hadn't seen one in real life, had I, except mine, and mine never went like that, and I didn't watch porn cos I didn't have my own computer or the right kind of phone and I'd only seen a bit from when lads had it at school or what Justin showed me, but I never looked at that properly, did I, I just laughed.

Anyway, this one's for me, and I'm having it. I turn and face the toilet and lean my hand against the wall behind it, and I give my thing a tug, and then he puts his fingers in. He does that thing where he opens his fingers inside like scissors and it feels amazing and I think I'm swearing and that, and then he takes his fingers are out and puts his dick is right in, and I'm saying all sorts, and we're sort of doing it with the music, him pushing forward, me pushing back, and his balls keep smacking against the back of mine. I feel like we could go on for ever.

He doesn't though. He drags himself out, and I just stay there cos I think he must be going to get back in, but then he turns me round and I'm thinking I'm going to give him a right mouthful if he thinks that's all we're doing after all this time. But then he says, "Get those off." He wants me undressed. So I shake my jeans and pants off my ankles and stick them up on the hook on the door, and then he presses me against the side wall again with his whole body, and we kiss. Then what he does is, he picks me up. I wrap my arms and legs round him so I don't drop down, and he sort of shifts me about till I can feel his thing right underneath me, and then he feels around with his hand and gets his end in my bumhole. It slides in a bit more but it's not right, it just bangs against my insides and it hurts so I tell him to wait and I put one foot on the edge of the toilet and straighten myself out, and then I stretch my arms up and get hold of the top of the wall behind me. If there's someone in the next door cubicle they'll be seeing my fingers coming over the top.

Brendan asks if I'm okay, and I am now. He stays still and I let myself slide down onto him, and there's this few seconds when we're looking at each other, dead still, and it's like the whole of my inside is pulling him in. It's like he's right in the middle of me. That's all I'm thinking. Then Brendan takes a big breath and starts fucking me, and it goes on and on, and my arms and legs are getting tired, but then I can't feel them any more. All I can feel is him where he's touching me, outside and inside, and I come so hard that I hit the back of my head on the wall, and my foot slips off the toilet seat, but it's okay because he's got me. He holds me and he comes inside me, and then he sort of lowers me till my feet touch the floor. I'm shaking. We stand there for a bit, and we kiss for a bit.

We wipe ourselves with loo roll and get our clothes sorted. He sorts my hair out. Then he winks at me and unbolts the door, and we both walk out, him then me, and I don't know if anyone looks at us but I don't care if they do anyway. We wash our hands then we go back to the bar for our drinks, and he puts his arm round my shoulders and gives me a kiss.

:::::::

It's a lovely night. We don't talk much walking back. We have a kiss though, round a street corner off the coast road.

:::::::

We don't put any lights on when we come in, but it's light enough to see that someone has made our bed up for us on the sofa bed. We're getting a bottle of water in the kitchen bit of the lounge, and Mitzeee comes out of her and Nicky's bedroom. She got woken up when Seth and Declan got in a few minutes ago, apparently, because she heard the squeaky floorboards upstairs.

She asks us if we had a nice night and we both say yes. Then she says we can use her en suite to save us going all the way upstairs to the other bathroom. I tell Brendan he can go first, and as soon as he's gone, me and Mitzeee go and sit down on the sofa bed.

"Right," she whispers. "Did you have a snog up a dark alley?"

"Sort of. So how was your night? Did the kids wake up?"

"No, didn't hear a peep out of them."

"Paddy was alright, was he?"

"He was fine. I like him, he's funny and he's sweet. He was hoping his mum would ring today though, bless him. Maybe she'll ring tomorrow."

"She told them she'd phone at the weekend, so yeah, hopefully."

"Now, come on, Ste, spill the beans. Where did you and his lordship go for your date?"

"We went to that gay club, the same one as last night."

"Wouldn't have thought that was Brendan's scene."

"Well it's not, but... It's a long story. And we had a dance there, we did."

She does this little noise that's a cross between a whisper and a squeal.

"Really? Aww, you two."

"Then we... went to the toilets." I can just about see the expression on her face, and there's nothing at first, and then she opens her eyes wide and puts her hand over her mouth and I say, "Yeah."

"Oh my god. You actually..?"

"Yeah."

"Well, well done you." Then she nudges me and she says, "It must've taken you back."

"What?" I whisper, innocent like.

"Oh come on, Ste, You're not exactly a stranger to the old bunk-up in the gents'. Chez Chez? You must have done it there more often than you did it in a nice comfy double bed in those days."

"Maybe."

"I bet you did. Bet you couldn't resist nipping in there for a quickie with him, even when you weren't together. Sex with the ex."

"He was never my ex, was he."

"Mm?"

"He wasn't my ex. He was always my..." I don't even know what the word is. I drink some water from my bottle. "I'm a bit drunk, Mitz."

"Your _destiny_ ," she whispers. "And I'm having that for my romance novel too."

:::::::

I go for a shower after Brendan's had his. When I come back, he's on the sofa bed and Mitzeee is cuddled up with his arm around her. She gets up and comes and hugs her arms round my middle and she says, "Don't want anyone getting jealous. I know what you two are like."

She makes me laugh. Cos I'm not jealous, me. Not jealous of her, not since years ago.

"Go to bed, Anne," says Brendan.

"Night night."

"Night, Mitz."

She goes off to her room and shuts the door.

Brendan gets into bed and lifts the cover up for me to get in. We lie there close enough that I can smell his toothpaste.

"I love you." He says it in a whisper, and I whisper it back, "I love you too."


	3. Chapter 3

**Note In the context of After Today, this chapter would be 'Chapter 59a'**

* * *

He must be tired. I know I am, because we both got up so early this morning for him to get off to Belfast, and it's worse for him because he was the one doing all that travelling, plus going through what he had to tell Eileen when he was there. And he didn't sleep much the night before from worrying.

When I get to the club I go looking for him before I start work. Kwame says he's seen him go in the office, so I knock on the door but either he doesn't hear me or, if he says come in, I don't hear him because of the music. So I use the code thing to let myself in, and he's sat behind the desk in there and before he sees me, there's this one second when he looks shocking. It makes me think of when he first got out, when he looked sort of grey; or when we came back from Dublin and his dad showed up and Brendan looked _haunted_. That's it, that's the only word I can think of. And I didn't know the full reason for it that time except I knew it was to do with Seamus, but this time I do know. It's because we've got Declan coming at the weekend, and Brendan might have to tell him about what happened when he was eight years old. So really it's because of Seamus again.

He sees me anyway, and he's back to normal as fast as anything.

"Alright, Steven?"

"Hiya. I did knock, but..."

"That's okay."

"Erm, I was just gonna ask, d'you want me to make you a coffee? I think I'm gonna have one cos I'll be nodding off over me stove if I don't."

"I will, thanks. Been a long day."

He stands up and comes round the desk, and we have a bit of a hug for a minute. He must've used a drop of that beard oil I gave him in Brighton, because I can smell it. I'm glad it's lasting.

"Want me to bring your coffee to the office?" I say.

"No, I'm almost finished in here. I'll come and get it, okay?"

"Okay. See you in a minute, then."

He comes as I'm pouring it out, and I tell him his coffee senses must've been tingling so he knew when it was ready.

He comes to the kitchen a few times after that as well, for a snack or to see how I'm getting on or just, you know. Just comes.

:::::::

I take my time doing my cleaning up after I've sent the last orders upstairs. When Brendan comes to see me off I've not finished, and I say to him that by the time I'm done I might as well hang around and then we can go home together. So then I do a bit of a stocktake to pass the time, because it's ages till closing, and once I can't think of anything else to do I change into my jeans and go through to the bar and sit with a Coke for a bit. Then I do bits and bobs for the bar staff to save time later, like taking the empty bottles out the back; and then the punters get shown the door and Sophie sticks Little Mix on for while we're working, and we all get the night jobs done dead fast.

We walk home, me and Brendan. We're both knackered so we don't talk much, but we don't need to.

I'm in the bathroom after him, and when I come out he's gone to bed, and he lifts up the cover and I hop over him and get in.

"We've been up a long time, in't we," I say.

"Twenty-odd hours. More than twenty."

"Lie-in tomorrow anyway. Is your alarm switched off?"

"Yeah, I only set it for one day."

I like his voice when it's all quiet and nearby.

We have a bit of a kiss. I could fall asleep in the middle of it, and I can tell from how he's breathing that he could too, but sometimes it doesn't matter how tired you are, you just want to be together. You want your skin to be touching each other's, everywhere it can, right down to your toes, and you want your arms holding on all wrapped up, and you want kissing, and when that all happens you're going to end up wanting to go all the way because that's the closest you can get, like, having someone in your inside.

Not someone. Brendan.

He turns away and sits on the edge of the bed to get the lube, and I don't even want him going that far away so I go with him and put my arms round his tummy from behind, and I kiss his neck.

"Come round here, boy, yeah?"

So I go and stand in front of him with my legs spread, and I hold on to his shoulders while he's lubing me up. Then I lean down and kiss him and look after his thing – I don't do much, just squeeze it a few times – until it's stiff. I turn round and just sit back on to his lap to get him in me. He helps with his hand, then he grabs me round the waist so I don't sit down too fast.

We just sit there for a bit. I can feel him panting against the back of my shoulder, and his moustache there and his beard; and I can feel where my bum is all tight round him, and I'm imagining how much of him I've got. I can't feel much of the rest of me at all. It's more like I'm floating.

We sleep like spoons, and when I wake up in the morning I lie there with him still asleep behind my back. I like it, staying in bed when it's all peaceful, and you're tingly and sore from what you did in the night.

:::::::

We go out for a bit of lunch when Brendan's got home from the gym, to the nice pub by the canal. It spits with rain when we're walking there but we sit outside anyway because it's not cold. There aren't many customers, not because of the weather but more because it's past the main lunchtime trade by the time we get there.

"September now, innit, that's why it's raining."

"Call this rain? You wanna try living in Ireland."

"Er, I come from Manchester, mate, so I know all about rain, don't I."

Brendan smiles at me. "Fair point."

"Anyway it's stopped now, there you are." I lift up my pint. "Cheers."

He clinks glasses with me. "Sláinte."

He's got his phone lying on the table, and he keeps looking at it. When he picks it up again I say to him, "You waiting for Declan to text you?"

"Declan? No. No, just... looking, see if the rain's gotten on the screen, is all." He wipes it on his jeans and puts it down again.

"We don't even know what time his mum's getting back, do we, and he said he won't be booking his plane until she's there, so..."

"Here's our food coming now."

The bloke puts it down on our table.

"It's lucky you went to the gym this morning, Brendan, the size of that pie."

:::::::

Amy phones when she's fetched the kids from school so me and Brendan can talk to them. I put them on speaker and they sound fine after their first day back, and Brendan seems fine as well, making them laugh saying he wouldn't mind knocking off work half way through the afternoon like school does.

Then after we've hung up, Brendan gets a text from Declan. He says he's not coming till Sunday, Declan's not, so he'll see Leah and Lucas just in the afternoon before they go back to Manchester again.

Brendan texts him back then says to me, "I've told him we can pick him up. One of us can. I can watch the kids if..."

So he's not as fine as he's making out. He's trying to get out of being on his own with Declan by sending me to fetch him from the airport instead of doing it himself. He's scared.

I look at him so he knows I know what he's doing, and I say to him, "We'll see," but then Declan texts again to say he doesn't want to be met in any case, which lets Brendan off the hook.

I don't know what Declan says in his next text but he must be having a joke with his dad because Brendan asks me if it's 'LOL' that you say when you think something's funny, and I tell him everyone just uses emojis now, but he's not having that. I reckon he needs glasses, because I don't think he can tell the difference between all the emojis and he just gets grumpy about it. I think he'd suit glasses. Just for reading, I think he needs them, mostly just if the light's not that good; but I'm not telling him again because he's touchy about it, and if he wants to go round squinting at his phone or his newspaper, that's his lookout.

It doesn't stop me pulling his leg though. I tell him he's best off not trying sending emojis because he'll only end up showing his age, and then he comes after me and I laugh and I run away but he grabs me. He's behind me with his arms round me, with his hands locked together to keep me there, and he says, "Fuck off with your trendy haircut," with his moustache tickling my neck when he says it and when he kisses me there. I try and make him undo his arms but I can't, and I try twisting out of them but I can't. I really try, not because I want to get away, but because I want to know for sure that I can't.

He lets go of me when his phone goes off again, and we both go over to where he'd left it, and we both read the message when he picks it up because it's Declan again, saying, _See you Sunday dad xx_

I rub Brendan's back while he's answering. He says to Declan, _See you then. X_

"You put a kiss," I say, and I give him a little one just where the edge of his beard starts on his cheek. "Good."

"See if he still... Could be..." He's different again.

"What, Brendan?"

"Nothing. Doesn't matter, no."

"No." I squeeze his shoulder, and I look at his face until he starts looking at me too. "Tell me, what was you gonna say?"

"I was wrong anyways, so it's... I was thinking maybe that was the last conversation I'll ever have with Declan when we're just, y'know... But it wasn't, cos he's not gonna arrive Sunday and come right out with it when the kids are here, is he, so I'm getting ahead of myself. Being an idiot, ain't I. And don't you dare say 'What's new?'"

He's making a joke out of it but I know it's only because he doesn't want me to be worried about him.

"It's gonna be alright," I say. "I promise."

"I love you, y'know," Brendan says. He touches my face and then he rubs between my eyebrows with his thumb. I must've been frowning without realising, because that's when he does that, to make the frown go away.

The way he's looking at me now, I feel like there's nothing he can't see, like a microscope. So his eyesight can't be that bad after all.

:::::::

I've finished at work so I'm going to send Brendan a text to see where he is so we can say goodnight, but when I pick my phone up from the worktop it starts ringing, and it's him.

"Alright?" I say. "I was just gonna text you, I'll be off in a minute."

"It's why I'm calling. I'm stuck in a meeting upstairs, Steven. Got punters here who've got an event booked, suddenly wanna go through all the details. I've got away just to call you but I'm gonna be tied up a while, so you'll have to see yourself off, okay?"

"That sounds dirty, 'see yourself off'."

Brendan laughs. "Only to you. Listen, they're waiting for me. I'll text you later, Steven, yeah? I love you."

"Alright. See you later, then. I love you too."

I put the kitchen lights out and go out the bar way so I can say goodnight to the girls, then I leave by the main door. There's still a crowd outside waiting to go in. Kingsley is busy doing bag searches but when he sees me he says, "Hold on, I'll find you a taxi."

"It's alright, I'm okay walking."

He holds his hand up like a stop sign – to me not a cab – so I hang about till he's got a second then he goes and checks with the couple of cabs that are parked. The first one's been booked by someone to go home from clubbing but the next one is free so he calls me over, "This one, Ste."

"Ta," I say when I'm getting in. "I could'a walked though."

"Then what would I say to the boss when he asks me?"

We sort of nod at each other, me and Kingsley, because we both know what Brendan is like.

I get out of the cab at our flats and the driver waits until I've gone inside the block before he drives off, like normal. I feel a bit funny though when I'm going up the stairs until I get inside our place and shut the door. I don't know why. Probably it's just that I didn't see Brendan before I left the club.

Anyway I get to bed, with my phone under my pillow for when Brendan texts. It's a little while before he does but then I get it. _Home?_ he says, so I text him back saying, _Yes in bed. Was gonna walk but kingsly dint let me xxx_

Then he says, _Good lad x_

I like it when he puts a kiss.

I'm awake when I hear him get home, and I move over so there'll be room for him.

He comes into the bedroom quietly, so I say, "It's okay, I'm not asleep," and he gets under the cover and gives me a kiss and then we cuddle up. "How was the rest of work?"

"Alright, yeah. Eileen phoned. Late, it was, after I texted you."

"What did she want?"

"Just reminding me I've got to call her when Declan's on his way back to Ireland, let her know if I've told him or not, so she'll know if she's gotta pick up the pieces. And I think she's trying to get things straight in her own head as well."

I stroke his chest. "Are you glad you've told her now though, Bren?"

"I dunno. I know I had to, but..."

"Bren?"

"But it's always gonna be there now, it's... Every time I talk to her, she's gonna be remembering, ain't she. Gonna be remembering us sat there, me and her, with all that... all those _words_ coming out'a my mouth."

"No she won't. Cos I don't, do I. I mean, I remember that day you told me – course I do – but it's not, like, getting in the way when I look at you. I see _you_ , don't I."

He moves on to his side so he's looking at me.

"You're different though, Steven. You've got used to looking past all the shit you don't wanna see. You've got good at it. Other people, everyone else, they wouldn't bother."

"Declan would."

I don't think he believes me.

"I shouldn't be laying all this on you," he says. "Ain't what you signed up for, is it, me being so fucking..."

"I signed up for you."

I hear him breathe in, and next thing is, we're kissing and everything.

:::::::

In the morning we're off out to the cafe for a cup of coffee. Brendan's back to normal, or at least he's not thinking about things for the minute, and we've had a lie-in and some more sex and a nice shower, so he would be in a good mood, wouldn't he.

There's this old couple we see in the cafe, Margaret and Ed, and today when we get there they've already had their cuppa and they're going.

"You're late today," Margaret says. "We nearly missed you."

I say to her, "We had a lie-in," and she goes, "Oh, it's like that, is it?" and she gives us a wink, dead cheeky. It makes me laugh, specially with Brendan getting all embarrassed and not knowing where to look.

"Come on, Margaret," says Ed, "Before you get us thrown out."

I like seeing them when we come here. Because sometimes you see married couples and they seem like they don't even like each other much, and you wonder why they bother, but when you see these two here it's like, they have a laugh, and they do just little things that makes each other happy, like when he reads out bits from the newspaper to her or she pops a drop more milk in his tea so it's how he likes it.

We have scones today, just for something different, and seedless jam.

:::::::

I'm leaving home five minutes early so I can nip in the shop on the way for a some ingredients for tonight.

These last few days I've noticed the sun is starting to go down by the time I go to work. I don't mean it's getting properly dark, but it feels like it won't be long before it will be.

When I've come out through the car park outside our flats and I'm walking up the road, there's someone stood leaning against the wall. I don't even look up when I go by because I'm looking at my phone to see what the time is, only then this voice says, "Just gonna walk past me, are you?"

And I stop and turn back around, and it's my dad.

Not my dad, no.

It's my stepdad. It's Terry Hay.

I get this whooshing noise in my head and I feel like if I try to run my legs won't work, like when you're having a bad dream. I shake my head to make the noise stop. I can't believe it's him. I have to lean forward till I'm almost tipping over just so my legs will start moving, and then I start walking away.

"Whoa." He grabs my arm and makes me turn back around and look at him, and he says, "I'm talking to you."

I pull my arm away.

He's got a shirt and tie on. His hair looks darker than what it was.

"What d'you want?" I say it loud in case he can hear my heart beating like I can. "What you doing here?"

"Nice way to greet your dad after all this time."

"You're not me dad."

"I gave you a roof over your head, son." He _smiles_.

"Leave me alone." I'm walking again, fast as I can. I want to be sick.

"Nice place you've got there, Ste." He's following me. "Rent must cost a bomb. Must be doing alright, are you?"

"Dunno."

"Nice job as well, eh, chef in a nightclub?"

I stop dead.

"Was it Angela?" It must've been her, after we bumped into her that time. "Did she tell you where I work?"

"Come on, I'm patting you on the back, Ste. You've managed to fall on your feet by the looks of it."

"How did you know where I live?" I never told Angela where we live. I'm sure I never.

"Maybe I just happened to be passing."

"You wasn't just passing. You was stood there, you was waiting for me."

Did I tell her? Is it me that's made him find us? I must be stupid. If I did tell her, I must be.

"Passing your work last night, I meant. Saw you getting in a taxi, and – "

"You followed me?"

"I was curious. All these years without so much as a Christmas card from you, I thought it was time we – "

"Can you blame me? After what you done to me the last time? What you always did to me?"

"I'm not blaming you, son." He puts his hand out to touch my arm and I step backwards and this woman walking along the road has to dodge round me, and Terry says, "Careful there, Ste," and he smiles at her as well like he's apologising to her for me getting in her way.

"I've got to go. Got to go to work." I get moving, hurrying. Pull my phone out to phone Brendan, but Terry's caught me up again.

He gets in front of me.

"All I've done is try and be friendly," he says. "So I don't know who you're phoning, but there's nothing they – "

"Phoning me boss cos you've made me late. Get out me way."

"One minute. Please."

He doesn't look so scary now I'm looking at him properly, with how he's smiling and how he's dressed. Angela said he'd changed, didn't she, she said he'd sorted himself out, got a new wife and that.

"Right, what d'you want, Terry?"

"If you're asking, well... If you're offering. It's my van, see. Got my own business now – deliveries – only it's gone and broken down, my van has, and if I can't get it fixed I won't get it through its MOT, and then I'm screwed."

"It's broken down but you still managed to stalk me home from work last night? Yeah, whatever."

"Don't get clever with me." He says it fast as a slap and I think I see the look in his eyes like it always used to be, but then he does a sort of laugh like it was just banter, and he says, "It broke down after I spotted you. I had to sleep in it, Ste, in my van all night instead of getting home to the missus. Look, you're doing alright, yeah? So you can spare a few hundred just so I can get sorted, and then I'll be out of your hair, won't I."

"Out of Chester?"

"Yeah."

"Why was you here in the first place?"

"A job, a delivery. I'll be off back home, or I would be if I could get my van running."

"Birmingham, yeah?" I say, and he looks surprised. "Yeah, your Angela's big mouth works both ways, looks like."

"I'll pay you back. I've just got no cash with me, that's all. No card either. Left it at home, didn't think I'd need it."

"An't got mine on me either, I'm only going to work," I say.

"We'll go back to your place then and fetch your card, or the cash if you've got it knocking around."

"No." I'm not letting him come in our home. "I've got me card here."

"That's lucky," he says. "We'll go to the cashpoint, then, eh son?"

"I don't..."

"Or you can just stand there looking gormless. Come on, Ste, shift yourself or you'll never get to work."

We both start walking again. I try and shrug his hand off when he puts it on my shoulder as we go, but he keeps it there, and he steers me in the other direction when we get to the turning I want for work, and we end up at one of them paid-for cash machines outside a betting shop. He's still got his hand on my shoulder. I hide my PIN number when I type it in though.

"How much d'you need," I say.

"Five hundred should do it."

"Five hundred?"

"You know what these garages are like, they charge an arm and a leg."

"I've not got five hundred."

"You think I'm a mug? You'll have got paid at the end of the month, same as everybody, and what's the date today?"

"I don't know."

He does a stupid voice that's meant to be me: "'I don't know'." He does a stupid face that's meant to be me as well when he says it.

"Second of September," I say.

"The second. So don't try telling me you've spent a whole month's wages a couple of days after you got it."

"I mean... I meant they only let you get three hundred out the machines in a day, don't they. I can't get more than that."

He must know I'm right about that. "Okay, three hundred," he says. "Go on then, get your finger out of your arse. I thought you were in a hurry?"

It seems like it takes ages for the machine to give me the money. When it comes out I grab it before he does.

"Right, so if I give you this, yeah, you're gonna go. Cos I don't wanna see you round here again, okay?"

He laughs, and I twist my shoulder away from him and get his hand off me.

"Yeah, I'll go," he says, and he holds out his hand for the money, and I give it to him. "Soon as I've got the rest of my five hundred."

"What?"

"Meet me back here, tomorrow morning, half nine."

"Fuck off, no way, no."

"Oi." He comes at me. He doesn't touch me but he's right in my face. "You want me to wash your mouth out with soap?"

He's not changed. He could still knock me to the ground and he could still give me a kicking while I'm down there. He always could.

"No," I say.

"Nine-thirty. And if you're not here I'll come and knock for you."

"You don't even know what number I live at."

"I'll just have to try them all, then, won't I? I'm sure one of your neighbours will tell me, and I might tell them a few things as well."

"I'll be here, alright? I'll come here and I'll give you the money, but then that's it, yeah, that's all."

"Go on then, off you go."

There's people going past like it's a normal evening, taking no notice of me and him. I do what he says, get going for a bit, then I stop and look round to see if he's gone, and I see him going in the pub up on the corner. I look at my phone. I'm late. If I stop off at the shop to get my ingredients I'll be even later, so I don't, I go straight on towards work instead, and I'm going to tell Brendan what's just happened.

Except I can't tell him. I can't, because he's on edge already with worrying about what Declan's going to ask him, and I can't give him something else to worry about. So I can't tell him, and I won't.

I rush in past the bouncers, keep my head down when I go round the back of the bar, go through to the kitchen, then I switch the lights on and open the fridge and look in it while I'm tying on my apron. I think there's enough stuff here to manage tonight if I'm careful, but I can't think. I can't even tie a fucking bow. I've tied a knot behind my back and I try untying it but I pull it tight instead, and I'm out of breath, and I get it undone and start again.

"Late for work? Everything okay?"

Brendan.

"Fine. Got held up." I try and sound normal but I don't, and I can't look at him or else he'll see that everything's not okay.

"What happened?"

"Didn't realise what the time was." I start getting stuff out of the fridge. I'm late and there'll be orders coming through in a minute and I've got to do something.

"You got held up? Or you didn't realise what the time was?" He knows I'm not telling him the truth.

"Didn't realise what the time was," I say, and I'm pretty much chucking everything that's in the fridge onto the worktop. "That's what held me up."

"Okay. Can I do anything?"

"No. I mean, no thank you." I go to the sink and scrub my hands under the tap, and I know he's still there looking at me. "Did you want something, Brendan? Only I better get on." It's easier sounding narky than sounding normal.

"Have I done something?" Brendan says.

"No, I'm just hurrying, that's all."

I don't know what to do first, so I start opening my tupperwares to see what's what, and I put the oven on, and I throw some flour on the counter and tip one lot of dough out ready to make my rolls. And Brendan is still here.

"Give me a shout if you want me to send someone in to give you a hand," he says.

"Ta."

He goes off.

I know I've been horrible.

:::::::

I've calmed down by the time I've cooked the first few orders and sent them up in the dumb waiter. Being busy, you just get into the routine so it stops you panicking, and then you can think.

I've rung Pearl to tell her what she needs to buy before she comes to work tomorrow night, to make up for me not getting it today.

I think if I can just give Terry the rest of that five hundred in the morning, then he'll be gone. Angela definitely said he lives in Birmingham and, doing little delivery jobs in some crappy old van, he's not going to be driving all the way over here again. I reckon it was a one-off, this job he had that made him come this way yesterday, or he wouldn't have left it till now to come looking for me, because he never could pass up a chance to blag a few quid off some mug. So I'm right leaving Brendan out of it, because tomorrow it will be over. That's what I reckon.

"Safe to come in now or..?" Brendan's looking round the door, making out he's scared I'll kick off.

"Sorry I was grouchy before."

"You don't have to apologise, Steven. Long as you're okay, yeah?"

"I've caught up with meself now," I say, and I give him a hug just sideways with one arm or I'll get flour on his clothes, and he puts his hand on my waist lightly like he's got to be careful, not just about the flour.

"Because you're not like that as a rule," he says. "Unless I've done something wrong, obviously."

I'm okay with him seeing my face now, now that I've got things sorted in my head.

"You honestly haven't," I say to him. "Unless you're gonna sack me for being late, in which case, you have."

He looks relieved that I'm making a joke. He smiles and he says, "I'll let it slide on this occasion."

"I've not had a chance to do you some supper yet, but I will do once I've sent this next lot up. Shall I text you when it's ready?"

"That'd be grand, Steven."

:::::::

He couldn't come when I texted him, and then Sophie's in here for her break and then Kwame is, so by the time Brendan comes I've almost packed up ready to go.

"It's not been in the oven all this time, don't worry," I say. "I've just put it back in to hot it up again. I'll turn it off now though, eh, cos you're gonna have it now."

"I'll escort you off the premises first, then I'll come and get it."

"I'll wait while you have it."

"No, Steven, you gotta go home. You look tired out."

"I'm fine."

"Okay. Have some of this with me, then, yeah?"

"You're alright, I've had mine."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes, Brendan. I spend me whole shift tasting things, don't I. And we ate before work, remember? It's just you that needs feeding this time of night, greedy-guts."

He looks at me for so long I have to look away in the end in case he's seeing too much. Then he says, "Let's get you a cab, so."

:::::::

There's no one else around when I go inside our block, just the taxi driver waiting till I've closed the door, and when I get upstairs I keep the light off and look out of the window where you can see the car park and the road from, and there's still no one down there.

All I can think about is Terry following me though. Last night, he must've stopped his van when my taxi stopped outside our flats, and he must've seen me come in the door downstairs. I'm sitting up in bed awake and it's all I can think about, him sat outside our home where we live.

I'm still sitting up when I hear Brendan come home.

He's gone to the kitchen, most likely for a whiskey or a glass of water or both. I get up quickly and get to the bathroom while he's still having his drink, and I get myself ready. I don't really need to use my squirty thing, I don't think, but I use it anyway just to make sure. When I've washed it I leave it in the bath to dry. I hope he sees it. I won't have to wait then, because he'll be getting a stiffy on before he's finished brushing his teeth.

I go back to bed. I've got boxers on but I take them off and throw them on the floor on my side of the bed out the way. I listen out for Brendan going in the bathroom. I hear the shower running, and then going off. I wish he'd hurry up. I need him.

He comes in. He's wearing a towel. I can see him because he hasn't closed the bedroom door completely and the passage light is still on. I push the cover all the way down. He can see me too.

"Been waiting for me, Steven?"

I put my hand out, like, come here. I need him. He takes his towel off and gets on the bed, on me, and I just grab him and pull his head down and kiss him. I can feel his thing between my legs and rubbing up against my bollocks and underneath. I stroke his shoulders and his arms. They're damp and hot from his shower. By accident I feel where it's like a knot in his skin from that policeman shooting him, and I let go. My hands fall back on my pillow, and I wait until he stops kissing me for us to breathe and then when he's looking at me I slide my hands up towards the headboard, and I'm wanting him to know what I need.

He does know. He sees my hands there and he gets me by the wrists. He starts kissing me again really hard, and at the same time he pushes my hands under the bottom of the headboard so they're caught. He sits up and looks down at me and he strokes from my wrists to my elbows to under my arms, down my sides to my hips. Then he gets off the bed and I don't know what he's going to do. I'm excited. He goes to the end of the bed and just stands there looking at me. My body, he's looking at. I can feel my willy getting harder. I can see it. I can see Brendan's as well.

He's stood there at the foot of the bed and he gets hold of my ankles, one in each hand, and it feels like ages before he does anything, and I'm thinking is he going to pull them apart or lift them up? And then all of a sudden he drags my feet towards him so I'm all stretched out. It makes me shout, just from the surprise of it. I watch him come back round the bed to get the lube. He warms it up in his hands. I open my legs for him to get in between them, and he kneels there lubing us both at the same time. He puts loads on me and inside with his fingers. I think it's two fingers: I feel them going in, and the bumps of his finger-joints when he bends them.

He bows down when he's got us both all ready, and I feel his beard on the inside bit of my thigh, high up, and then I can feel his tongue there, and then he squeezes with his hand so there's enough flesh to get his mouth round and he bites. He stays there for ages. Then he does the other leg but it's like, I can already feel his mouth there and the hot feeling before he's even moved over from doing the first side, like it's happened before it's happened.

He sort of crawls up me. He's really heavy. He gets nearly close enough for me to kiss him but then he licks his way down again, from my adam's apple down the middle of my chest, and then he licks under one arm and across me to under the other one. Like he's drawing a cross with his tongue. Then we kiss and kiss, and his thing is rubbing on mine, and my arms feel like they're coming out of their sockets, and I've got pins and needles in my hands.

He gets another pillow and lifts up my bum and puts it under me. And then he kisses me and I feel his thing where my hole is, pressing, and he looks at me and he says, "Yeah?" and I say, "Yeah," and then I don't know what I say but I say a lot, because he's all inside me and everything is rocking. The bed, him, me. He sounds like an animal. He's huge and he's so strong he could do anything he wanted because I'm helpless like this, but he's Brendan and I'm safe.

He's going to come, I can feel he is.

"Can I see?" I say.

"See what?"

"You come."

His thing is all shiny when he pulls it out of me, and his hand looks white holding it and his pubes look black. His cum feels cold landing on me but I know it's not, it's just that I'm boiling hot.

He finishes me off next. I come all over his hand. He licks it off his knuckles. My hole feels funny, like it's wondering where he's gone.

Brendan cleans his hands with baby wipes, and cleans his thing, and wipes his armpits and the back of his neck where he's sweated the most, and after he's cleaned himself he cleans me. I love this bit. He's dead gentle, he doesn't rub hard or anything, just wipes off the cum from my tummy and the lube from my bum, and dabs any bites and that, not because they're dirty but just because it's sort of soothing. He cleans my willy and all round it and the tip of it, and that's alright but then he does that thing where he lifts it up and drops it, and I know he's going to say something and he does, doesn't he. He says, "Look at that. He's gone to sleep before you have."

I tell him, "No, don't," because I don't see what's so funny because it would be floppy, wouldn't it, because we've only just done it.

He leaves it anyway, and bins off all them wipes, then he says, "Let you go now, will I?" like he usually does, and I say, "Yes please."

He kisses me, then he lets my hands free. My wrists are sore and I rub them and my hands don't feel like they belong to me, and he asks me if I'm okay. I tell him I am, because I am.

He goes and switches the hall light off and comes back to bed, and we lie there in the dark, cuddled up. It only takes me a minute before I'm asleep.

:::::::

Brendan is lying on his front when I wake up, with his arm right across me. I have to get out of bed dead carefully so I don't wake him.

He looks vulnerable when he's asleep, even though he's so big. I love him so much. I love him all the time.

I sort myself some clothes out and take them with me to the bathroom. I nearly don't have a shower because I feel like I'd be washing off our night in bed together, but I've got marks on me from what we did and they won't wash off, so I have a quick one, and then I think, right, I'll do the normal things as if we were just off to fetch the kids. So I do my hair properly and get dressed, and then I go and make a cup of coffee.

I only make one for Brendan though. I don't think I could stomach one right now.

I take it in to him. He's woken up, and he obviously thinks it's weird that I've got dressed and I've only made one coffee, so I lie, I tell him we've run out of milk and I'm going out for some shopping. He makes me drink some of his before I go. I tell him I love him and he tells me he loves me.

:::::::

I get to the cash machine dead on half past. Terry is on the other side of the road, leaning on a wall again. He sees me.

I take out two hundred pounds. He's still over the road, so I have to go across.

"Here it is, right, I've done what I said." I hold out the cash.

"Count it."

"Eh? It's just come from the machine."

"You can count, can't you? I thought it was reading you couldn't do. Count it."

I wish my hands weren't shaking.

"Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, hundred. Twenty, forty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, hundred. That's two hundred, there."

"Where's the other hundred?" he says, and I just look at him. "Ste, you can get three hundred a day from the machine, you said so yourself. You're a hundred short." He says it slowly like I'm too thick to understand.

"No, you said five hundred."

He shakes his head and he turns his back on me, and I think he's going to turn round again and swing a punch so I walk a couple of steps backwards so he'll miss, but then he just turns and faces me again and doesn't do anything.

"The garage," he says, "I went there this morning, and it's six hundred. There's nothing I can do, son, there's no one else round here I can ask, only you. I'll pay you back, soon as I'm sorted."

"No. If I get you the money, you can keep it, yeah, if you just go. I mean it, you don't need to pay me back, long as you leave me alone."

I cross back over and get another hundred pounds out and bring it back. He doesn't make me count it this time, just pockets it.

"Right then," he says. "Have a nice life."

Then he just sort of laughs, and he walks past me – knocks my shoulder as he goes, like I'm in his way – and I turn around and watch him till he's gone out of sight round the next corner.

 _Have a nice life._ He's gone. I've sorted it.

:::::::

It's raining by the time I get home. I've been to the shop and got some milk and bits and bobs, and when we're putting it away it's obvious all I've bought is stuff we've already got, and Brendan spots that we'd not run out of milk when I said we had. I just say to him, like, does it even matter? And he doesn't ask any more.

We get back to normal after that, fetching the kids from Manchester, stopping off at the big park on the way back for a run around just in case it's too wet to go to our one later. We take them out to the pizza place for lunch and it's really nice. Leah and Lucas don't stop talking, all about their first couple of days in the new school year, and how Lucas's new teacher is cool, and how Leah's class are all doing pictures and poems to go on the walls in their new classroom, and she was worried she wouldn't still be sat next to Aliya because the tables are in different places, but she is so she's happy. All of it, it makes me forget about Terry, and it seems like Brendan's forgot about the Declan thing, because this – us and our kids out stuffing pizza on a Saturday afternoon – is what's real, and nothing can take it away.

It's when I'm on my own in bed at the end of the day that I start thinking again, and when Brendan gets home from the club I say to him, "We're always gonna be alright, right, nothing's gonna..." Because I want to hear him say it.

He does. "We're always gonna be alright," he says. "It's been on your mind, has it, this Declan thing? That's what all that agitation was about last night, late for work, all that? And..."

"Yeah."

I still don't tell him about Terry. He doesn't need to know.

:::::::

We've managed to not let the kids know that their brother is coming, which is good going because secrets always seem to come out somehow. We're in the park playing a bit of footie when Brendan gets a message from Declan saying he's made it to Chester, so Brendan texts him saying come to the park, and when he gets here it's brilliant because I see him coming and I kick the ball to him like I'm that Ronaldo, and Leah and Lucas turn round to see where it's gone and then they see him.

It was worth us keeping it for a surprise, just to see them so happy.

They're made up when he says he'll come with me to drop them back to their mum's tonight. It's Brendan's idea. I think he only suggests it because he doesn't want me to take them on my own and leave him and Declan on their own together. He's scared, Brendan is, and I hate it.

:::::::

Paddy's out with his mum when Declan gets him on Facetime for the kids.

Brendan says hello but then he gets out the way. I don't think he wants Eileen to see him. He's not used to knowing that she knows about what Seamus did.

"Alright, Padders?" I say. "We miss you, don't we, kids, eh?"

Leah and Lucas say yes.

"I don't," says Declan.

"Shut up, Deccy," says Paddy.

"Declan," says Eileen. "Not helping."

"He knows I'm messing, don'tcha, Pad."

"Yeah, you're funny."

"We understand why you can't come," says Leah. "You've got to go to school, like us."

"You can sleep in my bed when you come next time," Lucas says. "Declan can't cos his feet are too big."

"Er," I say, " _He_ 's too big, not his feet," and Lucas creases up.

Then they're all off talking at once, until in the end Eileen says her battery is going to run out, so they have to say goodbye. She says to Declan, "You're okay are you, love?" before she goes, and Paddy says, "He's only been gone for like, half a day."

I give Leah and Lucas a big kiss when they've hung up. If Paddy was feeling left out, he won't do now because of them showing him how much they think of him. I'm dead proud of them.

:::::::

When it's time for the kids to go, I checked their bedroom to make sure they've packed up everything they're meant to take back to Amy's, and when I come back in the front room, Declan is looking at our plant.

"I was just saying," he says, "This is looking alright, this plant. Grown since you got it."

"You reckon? We can't really tell cos it's like with kids, you don't notice them growing when you see them all the time, except when you see the size of the clothes you've got to buy them."

"Don't say you're buying it clothes now," says Brendan, then he says to Declan, "He already talks to it."

"Don't listen to your dad. It was him that came home with that plant stand, yeah, and sanded it down all nice, so he can't say nothing about it."

Declan laughs. "Well it's doing okay anyways, so."

"Do us a favour then, Dec, eh? Will you tell that to Amy an' all? Cos she doesn't rate his chances much with me and your dad looking after him."

"Hear that?" Brendan says. "'Him'."

"He's a him," says Leah, "Because I'm the only girl."

"Yeah, you're the only girl," Brendan says. He tucks her hair behind her ear and I smile at him.

"Right, you two, let's get you down to the car. Say bye bye to Brendan."

They both say goodbye to him.

"See you later, Dad," says Declan. "See you at your club tonight."

"Alright, son, looking forward to it." Brendan comes with me to the flat door, and when the rest have all gone off down the stairs he says to me, "Drive carefully, yeah? I love you."

"I love you too. See you later on." We have a kiss – a proper kiss – and then I say, "Love you."

"Love you."

:::::::

Amy asks us in when we get there, and when we go inside, her dad is there.

Leah and Lucas run up to him and he gives them a big smile, and then he gives me a less big smile but he says, "Ste. How are you?"

"I'm alright, yeah. Ta. You alright?"

"I am, yeah." Then he looks past me at Declan in the doorway, and he says, "Hello."

"Yeah, sorry," I say. "This is Declan, Brendan's son. Declan, this is Mike. He's their granddad, Amy's dad."

"Oh, right," says Declan. "Hey."

Mike stretches his hand out over the kids' heads and shakes hands with Declan.

"It's nice to put a face to the name," Mike says. "Well, I've seen photos, but you know what I mean. These two talk about you a _lot_. About you and your brother."

"So Paddy's not here this time," Declan says to him.

"We Faced-timed," says Lucas.

"Yeah, we Facetimed Paddy this afternoon," says Declan.

Amy says, "Have you and Declan got to rush off, Ste? Only you're welcome to stay for your tea, both of you. Simon's cooking it now and I'm sure we can stretch it for two more if we put some extra rice on."

"We've got time, in't we, Dec? We're gonna bob in to see Brendan at the club tonight but there's no hurry for that."

Declan doesn't look sure, but then Amy says, "It's veggie curry he's making, so it's okay for everyone."

"Yay," says Leah, and Amy says, "She likes it when we all have the same thing so she doesn't feel like the odd one out, don't you, Leah."

"That'd be grand then. Thanks," says Declan.

"Come and see my room," Lucas says to Declan, and he grabs him by the hand and off they go with Leah tagging along.

Amy goes off as well, to tell Simon he's got two extra covers for dinner. So it's just me and Mike.

"He seems like a nice lad," he says.

"He is, yeah. He's come over to see his dad, y'know, before he gets cracking with uni and that. Cos they get on great now, him and Brendan, and his mum's happy for him and Paddy to see their dad now, cos she knows he's changed, she knows he's a good dad or she wouldn'a let them come on holiday with us, would she."

"Okay, Ste, I've got the message. Look, I can't say I like the thought of my grandkids being looked after by someone who... Well, we both know what it said in the paper, and what he got sent down for, but – "

"Half of that was rubbish, right, and him and me, yeah, we're both – "

" _But_ , Amy trusts that it's the right thing to do, and I trust my daughter to do what's best for those two kids. So unless anything changes, I've got no argument with you."

"Oh. Right. Yeah, cos if you saw him with them, you'd be like – "

"Ste." He looks like he wants to laugh. "Quit while you're ahead, mate, okay?"

:::::::

"That was mint, that curry," I say to Simon when we've all finished.

"Really?" he says. "I was a bit nervous, cooking for a chef. That means a lot coming from you, Ste."

He starts collecting up the plates but I say, "No, you sit down, I'll do that," and me and Amy take everything off to the kitchen, and I say to her, "He's alright, your Simon."

"Aw. I'm glad you like him." She smiles and gives me a little kiss on the cheek.

"We'd better get off, me and Declan. Let you get the kids in the bath. Sounds like school's going okay this term, then, anyway."

"So far so good. Sports day is still a subject of conversation, by the way."

"What, at the school?"

"And at the school gate. I think I'm getting gossiped about, and the other mums are dying to ask me how it all fits together."

"What d'you mean?"

"Me and all my men." She says it in a funny way and we both laugh.

"Brendan's one of your men now, then, is he? I'll tell him that."

"Don't you dare. No, but there's Simon and there's you two, and I think everyone's trying to work out how everything fits together. On top of the last lot of gossip, and now they've seen you both in the flesh and with Brendan being all..."

"Brendany."

"So, it's all a bit..." She does a whirly thing with her hand.

"I'm sorry, Ames. But we had a right to be there."

I'm surprised she doesn't argue about that.

"It'll die down," she says. "And Leah and Lucas haven't mentioned any of the other kids saying anything, so hopefully it's just the mums being nosey."

"Right, well, you better tell me if they do say anything, yeah?"

"Mm," she says, and I think she means no she won't because she doesn't want Brendan kicking the head teacher's door in.

:::::::

When Amy and Simon are seeing us off, Declan says to them like he's suddenly remembered, "The houseplant's doing good, by the way. The one you gave them before, y'know? Yeah, it looks well looked after, so."

:::::::

When we get back home, Brendan has made up Declan's bed on the sofa. He must've done it before he went to work.

I text him, _Back from Manc. Dec in shower. See you soon as we ready. Love you xxx_

 _Ok..._ he says. Then he sends another one, _Me too x_

:::::::

He's doing a shift behind the downstairs bar when we get there. I see him as soon as we walk in. He's taken his jacket off and he's in a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and even from this far away he looks amazing, never mind when we've got through the crowd and he's right in front of us.

I say to him, "Alright, barman?" and he smiles and he says, "Watch it, buddy," and then he gets me and Declan a beer.

We have a bit of a chat, the three of us, about stopping at Amy's for our tea, and about Mike being there, and then Brendan lets Alicia go on her break early so she can have a dance with Declan. When they've gone Brendan says to me, "Did he mean something by that?"

"What?" I don't know what he's on about.

"About having a granddad, how it's nice the kids have got one. Did he..?"

"Course not." I never thought anything when Declan said it, but it's like it's all Brendan can think about, and I say to him, "He wouldn'a been even thinking about Seamus, Brendan, right?"

He nods his head, and then he's off serving punters with drinks, and I go round and give him a hand while Alicia's on her break. It's only for ten or fifteen minutes but I get back into it dead easy. Just little things that save time when the bar is heaving, like holding two glasses in one hand and pouring vodkas into them from the optic while I'm sorting out the slices of lime with my other hand; put down the glasses, pop the tops off two tonics at once and pour them both at the same time, one in each hand. Done. Things you know how to do when you've been a barman before.

We're both busy but there's this one second when I've just put a couple of quid tip off someone in the tips jar, and me and Brendan catch each other's eye and he winks at me, and I could burst.

:::::::

Declan doesn't want to stay for long. He asks me if I mind if we go home, so I tell him to go and tell his dad that we're getting off, and I'll meet him out the front after I've gone to see Pearl. I want to make sure she got the money back for the shopping she had to get yesterday.

"Oh, bless you, yes I did," she says. "I showed the receipts to Maria and she reimbursed me."

"I thought you would, only I thought I better check."

We have a bit of a catch-up, about how her night's going, if it's been a busy one. Then she asks me if I'm still okay to cover her shifts when she goes on holiday in a few weeks.

"I feel bad for putting all that on you," she says. "Have you sorted what you'll do about your children those weekends?"

"I've not spoke to their mum yet, but I've told me sisters the dates cos I think that's what we'll do, one of them'll come to ours to babysit on them two Saturday nights for when we're both at work. And we'll just have to take the kids home on the Sundays early enough for me to come to work after."

"Oh, that's good, then. I was thinking you might miss out on having them at all. What about you though, having to work every single night for three weeks?"

"I'll be fine. I don't mind. Cos if we got someone in from an agency I'd only stress about it, wouldn't I, and I'd most likely spend so much time showing them how we do things, I might as well come in and do it meself anyway. No, the only thing that's like, a bit sort'a weird, is the Mondays. Cos I'll be at work but Brendan won't be."

She laughs. "You wondering what he'll be getting up to?"

"No."

"I'm only joking, Ste."

"I know, yeah. No, it's just, I'm used to him being here when I'm at work, aren't I."

"Maybe he'll sneak in to see you."

"Or he'll love it, a night in on his own, watching what he wants on the telly without me nicking the remote off him," I say, and Pearl smiles and shakes her head like she can't see it. "Anyway, our Declan's waiting so I better get off. Night then, Pearl."

"Night, darling. Take care."

Brendan's gone from the bar but Alicia says he's seeing Declan off, so I go out the main door and they're outside, chatting. Harry gets us a cab and Declan hops in, and Brendan says goodnight to him and tells him not to wait up. I know why. It's because he doesn't want to get in from work in the middle of the night and find Declan there wanting to talk.

We hug, me and Brendan, before I get in the taxi. We hug and we say, "Love you," like we always do, and it's always true.

:::::::

It's not all that late when me and Declan get home as we didn't stay long at the club. Too early for him to want to go straight to bed anyway.

"D'you wanna watch something?" I say. "Watch what you like. I'm gonna have me shower, but start without me if you want."

"You're staying up though, yeah?"

"Yeah. I won't be a minute. And there's beers in the fridge if you fancy one."

I have my shower and then I go and put my pyjamas on – my nice ones from our honeymoon that Brendan calls my respectable ones – and go back to the front room. Declan's sat on top of the duvet on the sofa. He pauses the telly when I come in.

"D'you want a cup of tea, Ste? I'm gonna make one for me."

"Yeah? Yeah, okay, ta. Didn't want a beer then, eh?"

"I'll get you a beer out if you'd rather?"

"No, I'd like a tea now you've said it." I sit down on the sofa.

He gets up. He's changed out of his jeans and put on some trackie bottoms with his T-shirt, or they might be his pyjamas I suppose. He goes off, and when he comes back in he's got two mugs.

He puts them on the coffee table and sits back down.

"You got Irish teabags," he says. He smiles when he says it.

"Yeah, we always get them ones. Your dad doesn't mind drinking normal tea, like, if he's having a cuppa somewhere else – like if Amy makes him one – but we always have them Irish ones at home." I sip it. "That's lovely, that is, Declan."

"I know, I make good tea. Trouble is it's always me that has to make it at home, cos I make it the best."

I laugh, "Yeah, you've stitched yourself right up, being good at it. What you watching?"

"Nothing really. Mind if we turn it off?"

"Course not." I turn it off with the remote, but then Declan gets up and switches it off properly at the telly.

"Bad for the environment, leaving things on standby," he says.

"Is it you that's told our Leah about turning the light off whenever she leaves the room? Amy says she's gone mad for it since Brighton."

"Might'a done, yeah. Sorry."

"I think it's nice really, her looking up to you anyway."

He drinks his tea then he puts it down and sort of straightens the mug on the table so the picture on it is facing him exactly. He reminds me of Brendan, doing that.

"Can I ask you something, Ste?"

"Course you can, yeah," I say, but I'm thinking no, please don't, not now, not when it's just me.

"You know in Brighton?"

"Yeah. What about it?"

"Remember the photo on the beach – the other beach, the one we went to for a day – the photo of all of us, all together?"

"Yeah we've got one of them, on the wall there. And your dad's got one on his desk at work."

"Remember when we were looking at it on my iPad, all of us, and I said, like, something like... I said my dad looked like he was the dad of everyone in it. Cos he looks like a dad, doesn't he, and he was bigger than everyone else and older, y'know?"

"No, I don't remember," I say, even though I do.

"I said he looked like he was everyone's dad, including yours." He looks at me just quickly then he looks at his mug again and picks it up and holds it. "And I never meant anything, but you and Dad and Mitzeee, you all went weird, like, shutting it down, like what I'd said was... sort'a bad. Sort'a, not just a crack about him being old, but something serious about him."

"Probably not worth worrying about it, Dec, eh?"

"And d'you remember when I came over the time before? We were in that pub, and my dad got mad when I said something about... Like, I shouldn'a said it, but like, I said what he did to me and Pad, just walking out on us, cheating on our mum, I said he was just like his dad, and he – "

"Yeah, you asked me about that before, didn't you, and I told you, it upset him because he never battered you, did he, not like his dad did to him. I think I might get off to bed now, actually. Have you got everything you need?"

"He never battered us but he beat you up, and it's like... you know what he's done, everything he's done, and I know he's done more shit than I know about, but something's... Something's made you be able to forgive him. And Mitzeee as well, she knows him inside out, doesn't she, and she's still his friend even so. And my Auntie Cheryl, he killed their dad but she's forgiven him for that."

"Because I love him, that's why I don't care what he might'a done. Right? And they love him too, Mitzeee and your Auntie Cheryl do. Just... See, when you're older, you'll love someone and then you'll get it, yeah, you'll – "

"I know there's something else, Ste, okay?" He shouts it, like he's got to be angry to cover up being upset, but then he says, "Sorry. I just mean, like, I _know_ when people are keeping a secret. I _know_." He wipes his nose on his T-shirt, then he rubs his eyes with his fingers. "I've even asked Seth to ask Mitzeee, only she wouldn't tell him anything. But the PTSD my dad had, it's... I know he said it was from my granddad being violent to him when he was a kid, but see, I don't think... I don't think the judge, y'know, when they gave my dad his sentence, I don't think the judge would'a put reporting restrictions on the case if it was just that. Cos literally all there is, like, even in the official thing, y'know, the public record, is what he was convicted of, and what the sentence was, and that it was mitigated because of diminished responsibility. And then it says about the restrictions. So what's missing, Ste? They can't be protecting my granddad, cos he's dead. So they're... Are they protecting my dad?"

"I don't know nothing about court things and that, do I. Can't you just – ?"

My heart is beating fast, and I've gone cold, and I feel like there's something stuck in my throat. And if I'm feeling like this and it never happened to me, what would Brendan feel like if it was him sat here with Declan? I'm letting him down, because all I want to say is, _Can't you just ask your dad?_

"Please, Ste. Please, can you just tell me? Was my dad... Did my granddad sexually abuse my dad?"

He's looking at me. It's dead silent in the room except I can hear him breathing shaky breaths.

I nod my head.

Declan doesn't say anything, but then he starts crying. He's trying not to show it, but he's crying.

I move up next to him and put my arm round him. He's sat forward with his face in his hands.

"It's okay, Declan, yeah? He didn't want you to know, cos he wanted to protect you, that's all. But you know now, so we've just got to... It's okay, you can cry if you want. It's okay."

"So that's why he... he's like he is, it's because of..."

"He's better now. He's had, like, therapy and that, in prison. He's talked about it, so he's... And we love him, right, we don't think any less of him, do we, we just... We understand why he's had problems before with... with being a dad, and violence and... and love."

Declan sits back and I do too, because I don't think he wants a cuddle now. He seems like he wants to keep himself together, and it's easier if someone's not trying to comfort him.

"Does my mum know?"

"She didn't. But we found out off Mitzeee that you seemed like you were working it out, yeah, and we guessed that might be why you was coming here."

"Cos I asked Seth to ask?"

"Yeah. Mitzeee warned your dad, cos she's his mate so she was worried. She didn't want him to be, like..."

"Ambushed? I wouldn'a done that. It's why I asked you not him. I mean, I knew my dad didn't wanna tell me anyway cos he's had the chance before, so."

"Declan, it's really, really hard for him, but he was gonna tell you. Right, once Mitzeee warned us, he wasn't gonna lie to you if you asked him. That's why he told your mum, yeah, just this week, just so she can look after you when you go home, cos he didn't want you having this big secret and no one to talk to. Cos it's still a secret, Dec. You can't tell Paddy or Seth or your stepdad or anyone, okay? I'm sorry but you can't, d'you understand?"

"Yeah. Course, cos it's..."

"It's for your dad to tell people if he wants to, but nobody else. I've only told you because I knew he was going to if you asked, and even then I don't know if I've..."

"Will he be mad at you?"

"No. I don't know."

"I'm sorry, Ste, I shouldn'a – "

"Doesn't matter. You've got nothing to worry about, okay? Just, as long as you remember, nothing that happened to him was his fault."

"I know it wasn't."

We sit there saying nothing for a few minutes. I'm hoping he's heard enough for tonight and he's not going to ask me anything else.

"Do you want another cuppa?" I say in the end.

"No. Thanks." Then he says, "So Mitzeee knows what my granddad did. And my mum knows. Does Auntie Cheryl know?"

"She does, yeah. Not till a few years ago though. He never did anything to her, their dad didn't, so she never knew nothing about what he did to your dad. But Declan, listen, your dad is so, so brave, yeah, talking about it after all them years. And what his dad did to him, it messed him up, but he never gave up living, and he protected you and Paddy, whatever else he got wrong. You see him now, and he's survived, and he's like, he's the strongest person in the world."

"I know."

"Look, why don't you get to bed now, eh? I know it's a lot to think about but try and get your head down if you can."

"Okay."

"D'you want a hot chocolate, help you sleep?"

"Okay."

He looks really young, as young as when I first saw him five years ago.

"I'll go and make you one, then."

I take our tea mugs out to the kitchen and put a cup of milk in the microwave. I still feel like my heart is going fast. I'm worried in case I've done the wrong thing.

By the time Declan's hot drink is ready he's gone to bed on the sofa.

"Thanks," he says when I put his cup down.

"Will you do me a favour, please, Declan?"

"What sort'a favour?"

"Just, will you stay in bed when your dad gets home? If you hear him come in I mean, will you stay in here, and if he sticks his head round the door, will you pretend you're asleep even if you're not?"

"Are you scared what he'll do?"

"No. Listen, I'm not scared of your dad, cos he wouldn't do anything, not to me or to you. I just wanna talk to him tonight and tell him that I've told you, just so he can get his head around it before he sees you, alright?"

"Alright, yeah. Yeah, I won't wake up or anything."

"Okay, so I'll see you in the morning, Declan. Night night then."

"Night, Ste."

I turn off the light and shut the door.

I fetch last night's glass of water from beside our bed and tip out the dregs in the kitchen sink, and fill it up for us. But then I empty it again and get a clean glass instead, and I let the tap run for a bit this time so the water is nice and fresh and cold when I fill the clean glass up. I bring it to our bedroom, leave the door open a crack, and put the glass down on Brendan's bedside chest.

I sit down on the edge of the bed and watch the time go by on the clock radio. It goes slowly at first, and then when it gets near the time he usually gets home on a Sunday, it goes fast.

I hear the front door open, and then a minute later I hear the bathroom door close.

I go and stand in the passage so I can stop Brendan before he can go and see Declan, and before he can go and get himself a drink of whiskey either.

He must be too tired for a shower because I don't hear it running, just the wash basin.

It's not too long before he comes out. He's just in his suit trousers, with his shirt in his hand. He sees me waiting for him in the dark, but before he can say anything I come forward and I say, "Shh," and I pull him by the wrist so he'll come with me to our room. And when we're inside I shut the door and I whisper, "I've told him."

My mouth is dry.

"What?" he says.

"Declan asked me, Bren, and I told him."

I can feel his pulse banging where I'm holding his wrist. I'm not letting him go, whatever happens, not until he's listened to me. Not until he understands.


End file.
